The women with the tattoo

Sitting, dazed at a meeting 

I look over at a women with a tattoo

Nothing special, just a flower on her ankle 

I started thinking of all the things I haven’t done

One being a Tattoo… 

I then started thinking about my appointment March 13th

Wondering if and when I will have brain surgery

My mind started to wonder, should I start living? 

Truly living… 

My Sally

People come into our life at the time we need them the most 

Stop looking, shut your eyes, it will happen

It might even be someone you wouldn’t expect

I just lost one of my very best friends and with her she tried to ruin my marriage. Along with that I was feeling alone, sick, in pain, and very confused.

Out of nowhere I get an email from Sally… My elderly neighbor. She had heard that I was having some health problems and offered to watch my daughter and help out anytime I needed her. She had Migraines when she was my age. Knew how hard it was to raise children while she was in so much pain.

Weeks have gone by and I have thought about Sally. I have a Dr. appointment today for my third round of Botox, yesterday I spent the entire day in the ER and I feel like crud. I called Sally. She was so loving, so caring and wanted to know how she could help. She would love to watch Issa for me and she already has crafts planned. Suggested different meds that her and her daughter had used in the past. The entire talk was so uplifting. 

I decided everyone with chronic pain needs their own Sally. Find someone in your life that knows what you are going through. That can talk to you and truly know how it feels! Only someone who has gone through it, experienced it can truly understand. 

Thats my Sally 

My first heart attack…

Today was a very interesting experience 

Progressively I started to have chest pain sharp, then dull, tight

Making it impossible to breath 

My first thought I was having an anxiety attack 

But, about what? 

Im not really upset about anything. Very odd…

Then the pain started to move down my arm, my neck

Everything  started getting really tight… 

I attempted to make a doctor  appointment

After speaking with the doctor and nurse who told me to hang up and go straight to the ER

WHAT? Did I hear you clear? “Yes, I believe you are having a heart attack.” 

“Me, I’m only 32. I can’t be having a heart attack”

 

So.. I live in a world of denial. It’s not going to happen if I don’t allow it to or it will just go away. 

After I hung up I jumped in my car,continued with the work I needed to do today 

Then I went to my therapy appointment…

Which she wasn’t very happy with seeing as I looked like death and was curled in a ball 

It was only then did I leave and drive to the hospital 

 

Once i got there they rushed me in, hooked me up and started the tests 

EKG, full blood work up multiple chest X-rays, and what ever tests I did not listen to

Guess what… Just like I told them in the first place… 

I was not having a heart attack. Surprise!!!!! 

Instead I have an inflamation  in the wall of my chest with chest contusion. 

Question of the day??? How did I bruise the wall of my chest? 

I know I have a brain disorder. I know I forget a lot. But… 

I think I would remember bruising the wall of my chest. 

* BTW this is in the top ten most painful experiences of my life. I do believe this is how a heartattack feels and it sucks assssssssss just saying

Also takes a few days for the  inflammation to go down 

The 48 hour request

One of the best decisions my husband has ever done for me

Knowing my son has started “tricking” me into agreeing on things

I then forget of course because my brain works that way

We have implemented the 48 hour request.

This is how it works…

Anything he would like to do must be emailed to me CC to his father atleast 48 hours in advance

With time, date, people involved.

I then must except or deny or change the terms.

It’s brilliant! No more tricking

No more making me feel like I’m going crazy!

Spinal Taps Anyone?!?!

 Its been about a year now since one of the worst days of my life. I can tell you I have been through some crazy shit in my life! Not to mention Daily Pain!! But… when my neurologist and I start twiddling our thumbs and come up with something else that just might work, just might be the answer. I say “Lets do it, It cant be worse then what I am already dealing with every day of my life!” So that is where the spinal tap comes in. We thought it would be good to see what level my spinal fluid was at in my brain. I thought, why not! I’ve had to babies and both times had an epidural. Same thing, right? Wrong! 

I go to the Hospital, Lay down, a big TV screen so I can watch. (more for him, but it was in my face) He warns me that the lidocaine  he is going to use on my back doesn’t have a buffer because they ran out and could only use the good stuff on children so suck it up. When I asked if people could get put under anesthesia? He said thats absurd! He was almost upset sounding when I asked. 

My mom had to wait behind the glass. the nurse held my hand. I laid very still. Tears streaming down my face. Trying not to scream out in pain. The needles start going in one after another. Then he starts the spinal tap. I can feel it but I am not going to say anything. Tears still running down my face… 

After he is done I get the instructions from the nurse. My mom drives me home. The look on her face. Kills me to this day. I get home and it hits me… The spinal headache. Of course, I am going to get the spinal headache! I start taking meds. Nothing works. So now my spine hurts, I am vomiting and the worse headache ever!! I call the Dr and he tells me to try and make it through the night. My mom gives me some pain meds, sleeping pills. I take everything.. She wouldn’t leave the rest knowing I would over dose. Guess what, I would have! 

The next day I tried all day, I waited and waited and it wouldn’t go away. So I called my mom and she brought me back to the hospital. Now the Dr was really pissed. He was going to miss his Daughters recital because of me. Well maybe he should have done it right the first time? Now he gives me a blood patch.. So gross! They take blood from my arm and inject it in my spine below the hole in my back that is leaking fluid. A blood patch.

Guess if it worked… Nope! It actually caused extreme lower back pain and I was on bed rest for a WEEK! Plus the spinal headache was still going on. 

The first and only time in my life that I prayed to just die! For an entire week! When I am in pain I will pray to get better or focus on something else but the pain was so bad. So intense and nothing they could do. I just wanted to die. I couldn’t even think about my children, my husband, my family. All I could think about was Please end this pain. 

Every time since when My neurologist and I sit down and start coming up with “the next great plan” We leave out spinal tap! 

*BTW My levels were three times higher then normal but not high enough to where he thought I needed surgery at the time. Thankful for that

How can he be so selfish?

One day he is amazing and helpful

The next selfish and hurtful

He doesn’t care that I just want to spend time with him

He would rather spend time with friends

Anyone but me… 

Plans we have had for weeks he try’s to get out of

Tells me I agreed to him doing something else… 

Why does he play with my mind? 

Knowing he can, but knowing he shouldn’t 

Leaving me broken yet again 

 

This is all so stupid and now I hide in my room in the dark crying… My son feels he is to old to go to Disney on ice with his sister and I and our entire family! We bought the tickets a month ago. Committed to going and now he is saying he wants to go to his girlfriends play, that I told him he could go and bring her flowers. That would mean that I would have to drive to the store, purchase flowers, take him to the play, and pick him up. This would all be happening during Disney on ice. Why would I agree to this? He some how tricks me into things because of being sick, and when I am in pain sometimes asks for things. I don’t know if I ever agreed to this but why would I?? I just feel so hurt and confused. I just want to spend time with my son… and now my head hurts so bad. Stupid day!