You Can’t Stop Me From Speaking My Mind…

“Everyone is in favor of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people’s idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“All these people talk so eloquently about getting back to good old-fashioned values. Well, as an old poop I can remember back to when we had those old-fashioned values, and I say let’s get back to the good old-fashioned First Amendment of the good old-fashioned Constitution of the United States — and to hell with the censors! Give me knowledge or give me death!”
― Kurt Vonnegut

I find it so interesting how you can spread your lies, tell people things about me that are untrue and hurtful but the second I stand up for my self you say I am not allowed to speak. Well this it! Me saying I WILL NOT BE QUIET ANY MORE! You wanted a fight, you wanted to show your teeth? Well all I wanted was for you to go away! All I wanted was for you to get a life, find a hobby something other than ruining others lives, maybe? I have no interest in being any part of your life or anyone you are around or speak to. All I want is to be happy, have my family happy, healthy and enjoy life and guess what? That is what we are doing.

Take a moment

This is what I have to remind myself each day. Take a moment… Even if it is just that. A moment for myself, a moment to relax, breath, stop working, stressing about life. Take a moment to just be in this moment right now. The last few days I have let my life get to me. With the business and with stress at home. I can hold it together for so long but by the time it gets dark it seems like I start to unravel. Fall apart… I need to pull myself back together. Not just for me but for everyone around me. Patience, Understanding, Love, Confidence, Creativity, Those are the attributes I want people to see when they look at me not pain, sadness, anger, frustration, or even at times hopeless.

Living In The Moment

Rather than looking into the past I am trying to focus on the this moment. At least that’s what I am learning to do. With this constant pain I endure and the reality that this is it. It’s so hard not to look at old pictures of my children and memories of when they were younger. Thinking do they even remember me before I was diagnosed? Do they remember the mom I was before I was in pain all the time? Living in this moment is hard.

Sometimes I want to skip a bit into the future… What will I be then? A better wife, better mom, better me? Or still just in pain just a few less years of my life.

Maybe one of the lessons of “living in the moment” is not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. I can’t change anything. I can’t make what I have magically go away. It’s here.. Deal with it!

Dont be afraid

My son messages me today that he is afraid. That he feels that he will not get the GPA this quarter that he has worked so hard to achieve. His finals are not working out the way he had hoped. I try and console him. Let him know that I am here for him. He can only do his best. He needs to stop, breath and take a moment. Think has he tried his hardest, does he feel good about the job he has done? Sometimes in life thats all we can do. I forget to take my own advice sometimes. Stop breath and take a moment. Stop stressing and worrying about the things I cannot change. Live in this moment! If everyone stopped and lived in this moment right now how much weight would lift off our backs? How much more time would we have in our life for our loved ones? Just a thought…

A New Day

Awoken with a new clear sense of duty and purpose today. I charge ahead not looking back at the past but at the immense beauty of my future. Knowing not all days will feel like today I must take full advantage of this clarity. When life is usually spent gravely ill, in a fog with little to no light to my days. Today, Of all days I feel sun on my cheeks. The warmth on my skin, tingling down to my bones. I will hold onto this moment as long as I can. I will hold onto this day as long as I can. For the future will come and along with it the unknown.