Maybe I am going a bit crazy or the fact that I am sick and I am tired of being sick. I already have chronic pain and then to have this three week “cold” on top of it has pushed me over the edge. My Dr. today tested me for whooping cough of all things. I just about died… Of course I am allergic to the DPT vaccine so when he tells me it looks like and sounds like I have it and need to be tested for it I scrunch into a ball and say NOOOOOOOOO!
Next came the horrible test where he tries to stick 6 inch Q-tips down my nose. I have to laugh at this because he tried and I swatted his hand away. So we tried again with this time getting in only a little further. He looked at me like I was a bit crazy and said we needed to do a bit better. So we tried again. Well, after about a half dozen times trying we were done. With one side!
I don’t understand what was wrong with me today? I have been poked and prodded for years because of my brain disorder but today the thought of something going up my nose was not going to happen. I should have been stronger and told my brain that I needed to do what ever I had to, to stop coughing. To stop being sick…
I have never been one to look at others and judge. You know the type who live their life feeling as if they are above everyone else. I have however never understood anyone wanting to walk away from their family. Just up and walk away. You read stories where they look happy, normal family, picket fence type and one day she just gets in her car and drives off into the sunset never to come back. Husband wondering why? Kids wondering what they did wrong? I have never thought much about any of this. Up until about a month ago and then it increasingly gets worse. My husband and my children, they need me… right???
Lately I have felt so alone. Maybe it is because they are older now and they don’t need me as much as they used to. Not only that but they push me away, say harsh things that I would have never said to my mother. But I also was raised by a single mother who we respected more than anything in this world. My children must not respect me anymore. Is that it, they don’t respect me?
I have resorted to locking myself in my room or leaving for a few hours because I just do not know what to do. I am tired of feeling alone when I am surrounded by people. I am tired of being told that I am hated by the people that are supposed to love me the most. I am tired of living this life, this ONE life that God gave me to live… like this.
Does it make you feel better to put me down? You pretend to support me and tell me you want me to get out in the world and try new things but when it comes down to it all you do is belittle me, make me feel stupid. You mock me! Why? I have finally come up with a new way to get out of my box. Instead of watching others live I want to live. Does it scare you? When I decide I wanted to start this new journey in my life I promised myself I would not allow anything or anyone to get in my way. You will not get in my way. Get onboard and enjoy the ride or jump off and watch from a far. Either way you will not effect the way I feel about myself. Or stop me from trying new things in life. Life is to short!
Last night I couldn’t sleep. Not unusual but I was at the point that I almost got up and started writing about it. It was weird, as if life was going to change? But nothing had… I couldn’t shake the feeling as if something was going to happen and I couldn’t stop it. My mom calls my son today and tells him that she woke up at 1am and started praying for him, about him. That she is worried about him, asking if everything with him is ok? I have not called my mom yet to talk with her. I guess I wanted sometime to get my own feelings out because I have had such a weird feeling lately and I just can’t pin point it. Maybe its the fact that I am 16 years in on raising my son and he keeps pointing out only two years to go. He needs to stop. Even when he is 18, even when he goes to College, even when he moves out or gets married and has babies of his own he will always be MY baby!! I have strong faith that everything will be ok. It was just an unusual feeling.
Let me tell you it was a mind blowing realization. To know that its not me but them. How might you ask did I figure this all out? That its really the people I was around and their negativity rubbed off on me. Well, once you remove all the people from your life with black souls, hatred, daily negativity. Your left with your self. With the positive people in your life and you decide if you are good or not. I love life, I love my family and friends. I have good days and bad just like everyone else but to see life as happy as I do now is great!
I always have told my children to surround your self around people that are good and people that will treat you the way you want to be treated. Why did I not listen to my own words? Now I do!