Today is not someday. Today is the day you are 15. Today is the day you lash out at everything I say. Yell at me, tell me you hate me and I’m the worst mom ever. Today is the day you seem to hate me and everything I do. Today is the day I disappoint you, embarrass you, anger and make you sad.
Someday you will realize everything I’ve ever done was out of love. Someday you will know that you are my world. Someday you will know I fought for you, for you to be my child! Someday you will realize you are my everything.
But today is not someday. We have to live with today.
I have never been one to look at others and judge. You know the type who live their life feeling as if they are above everyone else. I have however never understood anyone wanting to walk away from their family. Just up and walk away. You read stories where they look happy, normal family, picket fence type and one day she just gets in her car and drives off into the sunset never to come back. Husband wondering why? Kids wondering what they did wrong? I have never thought much about any of this. Up until about a month ago and then it increasingly gets worse. My husband and my children, they need me… right???
Lately I have felt so alone. Maybe it is because they are older now and they don’t need me as much as they used to. Not only that but they push me away, say harsh things that I would have never said to my mother. But I also was raised by a single mother who we respected more than anything in this world. My children must not respect me anymore. Is that it, they don’t respect me?
I have resorted to locking myself in my room or leaving for a few hours because I just do not know what to do. I am tired of feeling alone when I am surrounded by people. I am tired of being told that I am hated by the people that are supposed to love me the most. I am tired of living this life, this ONE life that God gave me to live… like this.
I am in a room with family. My dog cuddled up to me. But yet… I feel nothing right now, other than the over whelming thought of flight. The thought of running. I haven’t felt this way since I was a child. Huge abandonment issues, never truly feeling wanted or loved. All of those feelings are starting to creep back to the surface I thought I had buried them so deep they could NeVeR be found.
What would happen if I got in my car and left? How long could I get a hotel? How far could I get… How long would it take for them to notice? Would they notice?
I hope that I come out of this soon… There is nothing like feeling empty and alone.
For every tear I shed for you I die a little more inside…