Today is not someday. Today is the day you are 15. Today is the day you lash out at everything I say. Yell at me, tell me you hate me and I’m the worst mom ever. Today is the day you seem to hate me and everything I do. Today is the day I disappoint you, embarrass you, anger and make you sad.

Someday you will realize everything I’ve ever done was out of love. Someday you will know that you are my world. Someday you will know I fought for you, for you to be my child! Someday you will realize you are my everything.

But today is not someday. We have to live with today.


Looking into your kind eyes

you beg me not to go

Frail and scared

you try to shake of the anxiety

You say “Hold Me close, don’t let go”


I hold you close

closer than ever before

You tell me how strong you are!

Yes Nana, you’re the strongest person I know


Its been a long time

As my nerves in my body prick me like needles I sit here thinking how things used to be.

I get sick sometimes, these things happen and I don’t expect much. Hell I prefer to be left alone

But… you of all people. You know I am in pain, you know what I am going through and you just don’t care anymore.

I wonder if it is the years of growing up seeing me like this you have given up caring? Or is it that you have found someone else more deserving of your time and affection?

Maybe it’s me? Maybe I am the one giving up and giving into the pain. Letting myself drown in it.

I wish for things to go back to the way they were or even better, pain free!


I think it’s the cold talking?

Maybe I am going a bit crazy or the fact that I am sick and I am tired of being sick. I already have chronic pain and then to have this three week “cold” on top of it has pushed me over the edge. My Dr. today tested me for whooping cough of all things. I just about died… Of course I am allergic to the DPT vaccine so when he tells me it looks like and sounds like I have it and need to be tested for it I scrunch into a ball and say NOOOOOOOOO!

Next came the horrible test where he tries to stick 6 inch Q-tips down my nose. I have to laugh at this because he tried and I swatted his hand away. So we tried again with this time getting in only a little further. He looked at me like I was a bit crazy and said we needed to do a bit better. So we tried again. Well, after about a half dozen times trying we were done. With one side!

I don’t understand what was wrong with me today? I have been poked and prodded for years because of my brain disorder but today the thought of something going up my nose was not going to happen. I should have been stronger and told my brain that I needed to do what ever I had to, to stop coughing. To stop being sick…



Wow what a crap start to a year…

I can’t be alone on this one. I am not sure what to do when I see all the pictures of all the Happy people saying Happy New Year. Be happy for them or cry inside…

The last thing I got out of 2014 was a great big hug out of my daughter and a great big kiss from my husband. With BIG hopes of 2015 came Great big disappointments… like always when you hope for the best what happens??? I woke up with the biggest Migraine. Puking by 5/6am my Dr.s office closed all day. My neurologist is on vacation for two weeks so I cant even get in with him anyways. His partner isnt much help. They just tell me to go to the ER for Infusions… Otherwise I can go in Monday at 8:30am for infusions.

Question… when you have had a migraine for two days straight (sick in bed) and they want you to make an apointment to get infusions for 4 days later how does that make sense? I think to myself if I am still in bed 4 days later I will have killed myself by then:) Thanks but no thanks!

I already have daily headaches so I am in daily pain anyways but I manage at a reasonable level. But man is it getting a bit insane… Lack of sleep isnt helping.

Im working on a huge project with our largest contract. Not helping…

My son got in a huge fight with my daughter today when I tried to resolve it it backfired into him attacking me. Ive never seen anything like it. I dont even want to speak to him at this point..

I have court coming up in a few weeks my ex friend who wanted my husband/family/business is sueing me.. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. If I have any luck I won’t be there. My plan is to do what I have done this whole time.. Stay out of it. My life is so much better with the people I have in it now.

Holy crap… I need for 2015 to get better… I can’t even look at this as a “New Year” maybe I just need to take each day as it comes otherwise I am going to drive myself crazy…

Maybe its the pain talking…

I started writing a poem and erased it all.. my mind is so full of so many thoughts right now that I cant think clear. Im angry, sad, frustrated. All at once.. When your children are small and your in control you look into their little faces with so much hope and love and think about the future. Scared of what can be. As they get older it gets scarier, you lose control, they become more independent and want to branch off and do their own things. The more you try to hold on the more they try to push you away..

Im pretty sure my son is at the point of his life where he wants to be an adult but doesn’t understand that he is a kid. He wants to be respected but doesn’t understand that its earned not given to you. I wish I had all of the answers, I wish I was the mother my mom was growing up. Raising five children on her own she did such a fantastic job. Not one of us would have ever disrespected my mother the way my son disrespected me. Where did I go wrong? Do I buy him to many things? Do I do to much for him? I had him at a young age so I kinda grew up with him but I am the adult, he is the child and dang it I should be respected!

I hate to say it but I don’t want to look in his face. I don’t want to be around him. If I could take my daughter and leave for a few days to cool down I would. I know that sounds horrible. Im the adult, I am supposed to forgive and move on but some things that were said I don’t know if I can ever get pass… Some things he did I don’t know if I can ever forgive.