I’ve never thought of myself as a fearful person. I’ve tried to look at life with all the usual clichés. You know the ones, “glass half full not empty” or “no pain, no gain” or one of my favorites “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
Today I took a moment to step away from my job that by the way runs 7 days a week. That is generally what happens when you own your own company. I stepped away from my children who I find myself becoming shorter and shorter with. I stepped away from my husband who since he broke his leg has needed all of my attention. I walked away from my home and went to one of my favorite gardens right outside of the City
I sat there just me, myself and I. I’ve realized that I have become fearful of my future. Of my children’s future. Of my husbands future. I have always known that when it is my time to go, well it’s my time to go. But with glaring truths in front of you it makes it so much more real.
I want to see what any parent wants to see. I want to see my children graduate. I want to see them get married. See my grandchildren some day. Not only the big things in life but all the small things.
What I realized today I only have a few options in my life. Take charge, go to all of my Dr appointments and get this shit done and stop being fearful. Or, cancel everything. If I pretend that nothing is going on then I’m sure I can wish it all away.
As my nerves in my body prick me like needles I sit here thinking how things used to be.
I get sick sometimes, these things happen and I don’t expect much. Hell I prefer to be left alone
But… you of all people. You know I am in pain, you know what I am going through and you just don’t care anymore.
I wonder if it is the years of growing up seeing me like this you have given up caring? Or is it that you have found someone else more deserving of your time and affection?
Maybe it’s me? Maybe I am the one giving up and giving into the pain. Letting myself drown in it.
I wish for things to go back to the way they were or even better, pain free!
Maybe I am going a bit crazy or the fact that I am sick and I am tired of being sick. I already have chronic pain and then to have this three week “cold” on top of it has pushed me over the edge. My Dr. today tested me for whooping cough of all things. I just about died… Of course I am allergic to the DPT vaccine so when he tells me it looks like and sounds like I have it and need to be tested for it I scrunch into a ball and say NOOOOOOOOO!
Next came the horrible test where he tries to stick 6 inch Q-tips down my nose. I have to laugh at this because he tried and I swatted his hand away. So we tried again with this time getting in only a little further. He looked at me like I was a bit crazy and said we needed to do a bit better. So we tried again. Well, after about a half dozen times trying we were done. With one side!
I don’t understand what was wrong with me today? I have been poked and prodded for years because of my brain disorder but today the thought of something going up my nose was not going to happen. I should have been stronger and told my brain that I needed to do what ever I had to, to stop coughing. To stop being sick…
I have never been one to look at others and judge. You know the type who live their life feeling as if they are above everyone else. I have however never understood anyone wanting to walk away from their family. Just up and walk away. You read stories where they look happy, normal family, picket fence type and one day she just gets in her car and drives off into the sunset never to come back. Husband wondering why? Kids wondering what they did wrong? I have never thought much about any of this. Up until about a month ago and then it increasingly gets worse. My husband and my children, they need me… right???
Lately I have felt so alone. Maybe it is because they are older now and they don’t need me as much as they used to. Not only that but they push me away, say harsh things that I would have never said to my mother. But I also was raised by a single mother who we respected more than anything in this world. My children must not respect me anymore. Is that it, they don’t respect me?
I have resorted to locking myself in my room or leaving for a few hours because I just do not know what to do. I am tired of feeling alone when I am surrounded by people. I am tired of being told that I am hated by the people that are supposed to love me the most. I am tired of living this life, this ONE life that God gave me to live… like this.
Something has to change.
Years have passed and memories have faded. All the good has ceased to exist leaving me with infrequent thoughts of you. You left me bitter and outraged. I have now learned to move on. I closed off my heart, built a wall, and did not allow anyone else in. For so long… That is what one has to do to survive being heartbroken, yes? Life goes on, as such my days are filled with new memories.
Stress of today, stress of tomorrow and stress of yesterday.
I am overcome with it! The feeling of my shoulders up at my ears.
I remind myself, relax as I feel them lower back down.
Head pounding, mind racing, eye twitching.
Needing more time in the day,
yet wanting the day to just be over already.