Does it make you feel better to put me down? You pretend to support me and tell me you want me to get out in the world and try new things but when it comes down to it all you do is belittle me, make me feel stupid. You mock me! Why? I have finally come up with a new way to get out of my box. Instead of watching others live I want to live. Does it scare you? When I decide I wanted to start this new journey in my life I promised myself I would not allow anything or anyone to get in my way. You will not get in my way. Get onboard and enjoy the ride or jump off and watch from a far. Either way you will not effect the way I feel about myself. Or stop me from trying new things in life. Life is to short!
Last night I couldn’t sleep. Not unusual but I was at the point that I almost got up and started writing about it. It was weird, as if life was going to change? But nothing had… I couldn’t shake the feeling as if something was going to happen and I couldn’t stop it. My mom calls my son today and tells him that she woke up at 1am and started praying for him, about him. That she is worried about him, asking if everything with him is ok? I have not called my mom yet to talk with her. I guess I wanted sometime to get my own feelings out because I have had such a weird feeling lately and I just can’t pin point it. Maybe its the fact that I am 16 years in on raising my son and he keeps pointing out only two years to go. He needs to stop. Even when he is 18, even when he goes to College, even when he moves out or gets married and has babies of his own he will always be MY baby!! I have strong faith that everything will be ok. It was just an unusual feeling.
Let me tell you it was a mind blowing realization. To know that its not me but them. How might you ask did I figure this all out? That its really the people I was around and their negativity rubbed off on me. Well, once you remove all the people from your life with black souls, hatred, daily negativity. Your left with your self. With the positive people in your life and you decide if you are good or not. I love life, I love my family and friends. I have good days and bad just like everyone else but to see life as happy as I do now is great!
I always have told my children to surround your self around people that are good and people that will treat you the way you want to be treated. Why did I not listen to my own words? Now I do!
So I broke down and finally went and saw a pain specialist. I gave him the list of my meds, my medical procedures, surgeries, my migraine chart and on and on.. I did not know what would happen. He was pretty good, he came up with some great ideas and noticed that night time was one of my hardest times of the day. I don’t sleep, making it so I am in more pain in the morning. He prescribed me another seizure med right before bed and so far every night I up the dose until I am at the right dose. I sleep great, and this is why I am blogging this. With over 8 years of chronic pain I have had two days of less pain days!!!!!!!! I am talking about I wake up in the morning and my head feels almost numb. I don’t have a headache or migraine for the whole day. It is unheard of.. It has been a long time. Who knew it would take two seizure meds to fix me. Love it!! I am a realist and know that this might not last forever so I am enjoying every day as in comes.
What I can say to you but not to my 15 year old son.
Driving him to school today we passed some kids at a playground. He looks over and says “How cool would it be to be little again”. I agreed. To go back to a moment, a day, or a time in your past that is your favorite. He said. I would choose 5 years old but with all of the knowledge I have now”.
As I am dropping him off I give him a hug, say I love you. What is really running through my head was 5 years old would be the last age I would pick. I know everybody has a past, everybody has a story but for me in my life at age 5 was when life ended.
Im not saying that I haven’t had some horrific shit happen after but I think when your older you can cope. When your little you don’t understand whats happening around you. Before 5 I had what seemed a “normal” family, a “normal” life.
Christmas was coming around, my Papa (my mom’s Dad) Passed away suddenly of a heart attack. He was one of the most important people to me in the world. Within weeks my Dad left. I was not aware at that time he had been cheating on my mom and he made the choice to leave our family. Who knows, the stress from my father cheating on my mother could have resulted in killing my papa?? His baby girl being hurt like that…
My mom had graduated high school from a small town, joined the military during Vietnam war were she met my dad. They married and had five beautiful children. She became a house wife. When he left she found herself alone, never worked a day in her life… She had 2-3 jobs at a time to keep us in our house, fed clothed and off welfare. My dad did very little to support us.
My oldest sister moved out, got married. My oldest brother moved to Arizona for school. My best friend across the street and his mom who was like a second mother to me moved away. So here I am going from life as I know it to No Dad, No Mom, No Brother, No Sister, No Friend, No Papa, No One to count on, to depend on…
My Brother Jon and Peder were only a couple years older than me. Jon had to grow up fast, he became the man of the family. Even though he wasn’t old enough. Not by maturity, by age or by the laws standards but if he hadn’t stood up and helped raise my brother and I don’t know if we would have all made it? My mom did her best but he was the glue that held us all together. He made sure we got on the bus, got off the bus safe, had breakfast, he even learned how to cook dinner. Cleaned the house and would even get us to kick in. Mom had to get sleep in between every job. She was either at work or sleeping.
My mom went from a stay at home mom baking cookies, going to all the school functions, cooking all of the meals, being there for everything to being absent. She had to work! I remember I would fake being sick sometimes just so that she would have to leave her job and pick me up and take me to work with her for the whole day! It would frustrate her but then I knew that her and I would get to have alone time. It was the only alone time I remember having at that age. She had a job at a chemical factory where she had a desk in the middle of a huge warehouse. It was so cold, she would sit me next to her and this little space heater. I remember getting orange juice from a food truck. That was one of my happiest times with my mom, I was with her.
I failed that year at school. Even when I was there I was checked out. I learned nothing, I cared about nothing. It is so hard to care about school when your life changes so much.
My memories of my Dad at that age were that if we wanted to see him we had to call him to set something up. How is that fair to put that on your children? I was five years old, I didn’t know what was going on. My mom Bless her, never said one bad thing about my father. That was one way she protected all of us was by not speaking about what happened between them. Their business was their business. I did hear her cry some nights. I cried myself to sleep so many nights feeling so alone. Feeling as if everyone had left me and not understanding what I had done wrong to make everyone leave.
I would Pray to my Papa every night for years to come home. That he could fix everything. That everything was ok when he was alive… My Mommy and Daddy were together my family was whole.
If I could pick any age it would not be 5 unless it was to warn myself that life was going to be rough for awhile but good things come out in the end.
So thats a joke… Life has never been simple. Life has never been easy. If it was I guess it wouldn’t be worth living, right? Some days I wish were easier, some days it would be nice to have nothing going on but I do not get to choose what happens in my day. So much has happened in my life that I have to hold inside. Someday I will burst… I may not be able to control my past, present or future but what I can do is control how I deal with it! How I look at life and the situations I am in can be dealt with in either a positive manner or I can just be grumpy about everything. Its easier said then done sometimes but I would rather talk about it, get my feelings out and try to be positive rather than holding it all in and just be negative all the time. All I see when I look around me is anger, frustration, and sadness. How did we get to this point? How do we get back to where we were? Faith, Hope, and Love…
We were broken into last night… While sleeping last night someone(s) came onto our property and stole around $20,000 worth of our belongings. Its a hard hit. They stole things that to them mean nothing but are very personal to us. They took everything my husband needed to go to work on Monday, to provide for his family. To add insult to injury they then took off with my sons Dirt bike. When will this end?? I want my life back. Even a few days of just normal. What is normal anymore anyways?