Its been a long time

As my nerves in my body prick me like needles I sit here thinking how things used to be.

I get sick sometimes, these things happen and I don’t expect much. Hell I prefer to be left alone

But… you of all people. You know I am in pain, you know what I am going through and you just don’t care anymore.

I wonder if it is the years of growing up seeing me like this you have given up caring? Or is it that you have found someone else more deserving of your time and affection?

Maybe it’s me? Maybe I am the one giving up and giving into the pain. Letting myself drown in it.

I wish for things to go back to the way they were or even better, pain free!

 

I think it’s the cold talking?

Maybe I am going a bit crazy or the fact that I am sick and I am tired of being sick. I already have chronic pain and then to have this three week “cold” on top of it has pushed me over the edge. My Dr. today tested me for whooping cough of all things. I just about died… Of course I am allergic to the DPT vaccine so when he tells me it looks like and sounds like I have it and need to be tested for it I scrunch into a ball and say NOOOOOOOOO!

Next came the horrible test where he tries to stick 6 inch Q-tips down my nose. I have to laugh at this because he tried and I swatted his hand away. So we tried again with this time getting in only a little further. He looked at me like I was a bit crazy and said we needed to do a bit better. So we tried again. Well, after about a half dozen times trying we were done. With one side!

I don’t understand what was wrong with me today? I have been poked and prodded for years because of my brain disorder but today the thought of something going up my nose was not going to happen. I should have been stronger and told my brain that I needed to do what ever I had to, to stop coughing. To stop being sick…

 

Imperfections

From the dark circles under my eyes

to the weight that goes straight to my thighs

My stringy hair, with that hint of gray

My memory less and less with everyday

Those unforgiving “old spots” on my face,

Somedays I would give anything to just erase!

Each and every imperfection makes me unique

Makes me who I am. Take your imperfections each of you

Find something you like about them, I dare you to.

Realizing I wasn’t negative but the People I surrounded myself around

Let me tell you it was a mind blowing realization. To know that its not me but them. How might you ask did I figure this all out? That its really the people I was around and their negativity rubbed off on me. Well, once you remove all the people from your life with black souls, hatred, daily negativity. Your left with your self. With the positive people in your life and you decide if you are good or not. I love life, I love my family and friends. I have good days and bad just like everyone else but to see life as happy as I do now is great!

I always have told my children to surround your self around people that are good and people that will treat you the way you want to be treated. Why did I not listen to my own words? Now I do!

Who Knew??

So I broke down and finally went and saw a pain specialist. I gave him the list of my meds, my medical procedures, surgeries, my migraine chart and on and on.. I did not know what would happen. He was pretty good, he came up with some great ideas and noticed that night time was one of my hardest times of the day. I don’t sleep, making it so I am in more pain in the morning. He prescribed me another seizure med right before bed and so far every night I up the dose until I am at the right dose. I sleep great, and this is why I am blogging this. With over 8 years of chronic pain I have had two days of less pain days!!!!!!!! I am talking about I wake up in the morning and my head feels almost numb. I don’t have a headache or migraine for the whole day. It is unheard of.. It has been a long time. Who knew it would take two seizure meds to fix me. Love it!! I am a realist and know that this might not last forever so I am enjoying every day as in comes.

Lets Be Real With Each Other, Right Now…

What I can say to you but not to my 15 year old son.

Driving him to school today we passed some kids at a playground. He looks over and says “How cool would it be to be little again”. I agreed. To go back to a moment, a day, or a time in your past that is your favorite. He said. I would choose 5 years old but with all of the knowledge I have now”.

As I am dropping him off I give him a hug, say I love you. What is really running through my head was 5 years old would be the last age I would pick. I know everybody has a past, everybody has a story but for me in my life at age 5 was when life ended.

Im not saying that I haven’t had some horrific shit happen after but I think when your older you can cope. When your little you don’t understand whats happening around you. Before 5 I had what seemed a “normal” family, a “normal” life.

Christmas was coming around, my Papa (my mom’s Dad) Passed away suddenly of a heart attack. He was one of the most important people to me in the world. Within weeks my Dad left. I was not aware at that time he had been cheating on my mom and he made the choice to leave our family. Who knows, the stress from my father cheating on my mother could have resulted in killing my papa?? His baby girl being hurt like that…

My mom had graduated high school from a small town, joined the military during Vietnam war were she met my dad. They married and had five beautiful children. She became a house wife. When he left she found herself alone, never worked a day in her life… She had 2-3 jobs at a time to keep us in our house, fed clothed and off welfare. My dad did very little to support us.

My oldest sister moved out, got married. My oldest brother moved to Arizona for school. My best friend across the street and his mom who was like a second mother to me moved away. So here I am going from life as I know it to No Dad, No Mom, No Brother, No Sister, No Friend, No Papa, No One to count on, to depend on…

My Brother Jon and Peder were only a couple years older than me. Jon had to grow up fast, he became the man of the family. Even though he wasn’t old enough. Not by maturity, by age or by the laws standards but if he hadn’t stood up and helped raise my brother and I don’t know if we would have all made it? My mom did her best but he was the glue that held us all together. He made sure we got on the bus, got off the bus safe, had breakfast, he even learned how to cook dinner. Cleaned the house and would even get us to kick in. Mom had to get sleep in between every job. She was either at work or sleeping.

My mom went from a stay at home mom baking cookies, going to all the school functions, cooking all of the meals, being there for everything to being absent. She had to work! I remember I would fake being sick sometimes just so that she would have to leave her job and pick me up and take me to work with her for the whole day! It would frustrate her but then I knew that her and I would get to have alone time. It was the only alone time I remember having at that age. She had a job at a chemical factory where she had a desk in the middle of a huge warehouse. It was so cold, she would sit me next to her and this little space heater. I remember getting orange juice from a food truck. That was one of my happiest times with my mom, I was with her.

I failed that year at school. Even when I was there I was checked out. I learned nothing, I cared about nothing. It is so hard to care about school when your life changes so much.

My memories of my Dad at that age were that if we wanted to see him we had to call him to set something up. How is that fair to put that on your children? I was five years old, I didn’t know what was going on. My mom Bless her, never said one bad thing about my father. That was one way she protected all of us was by not speaking about what happened between them. Their business was their business. I did hear her cry some nights. I cried myself to sleep so many nights feeling so alone. Feeling as if everyone had left me and not understanding what I had done wrong to make everyone leave.

I would Pray to my Papa every night for years to come home. That he could fix everything. That everything was ok when he was alive… My Mommy and Daddy were together my family was whole.

If I could pick any age it would not be 5 unless it was to warn myself that life was going to be rough for awhile but good things come out in the end.

You Can’t Break Me

I know your tactics. How you like to scare people or threaten them. You will never take away my free speech, you will never take away my happiness! Coming into my property and breaking into my vehicles, steeling from me. What does that prove? That you are pathetic and have no respect for your life.

I live in the light of the lord, you will never take my smile or happiness away. Even though you desperately try. Stop stalking me, Stop spending your life revolved around me. I want nothing to do with you. “crazy” person.

Today is another day spent with my family doing amazing things with amazing people! I couldn’t be happier today! Hope everyone else is having a great day as well:)

No Longer Silent!

woman-with-mouth-taped-shut

Rip Of The Tape!!! Stop caring what someone might think or say to you! You might be surprised how excepting people can be and if they judge you then really, do you care what they think anyways? I don’t… The only opinions that matter to me are my children and that is only to a point because they are children! This is the day that you speak your mind! It feels liberating to stop holding back my feelings, my emotions anymore. Yesterday I feel as if for the first time in over a year I could finally open my eyes and see. I could hear for the first time. I ripped of the tape and I can speak! Believe me I plan on speaking my mind!

Not alone anymore…

I have know that I am not alone but in away when you have a “crazy” person in your life you feel alone. Others do not understand that this person could really do the things I tell them, you seem so unreal. Why? Why is it so hard to believe. I will tell you. Because you and I do not think like this “crazy” person. Our mind is not built like this “crazy” person. We would never hurt people, we would never plot or make plans to destroy “crazy” person or anyone for that matter even if we didn’t like the person. We spend our days living!! We spend our days with loved ones, our husbands, children, family, FRIENDS! People we care about, relationships we want to build and nourish. “Crazy” person spends the day filled in a hole of sadness trying to figure out how to bring everyone one else down. Coming up with ideas of how to hurt the people in and out of their life. Coming up with lies to cover up the other lies they have already told. You think that we are angry with you? You think that we are out to get you? I know this might be hard to hear but we feel sorry for you. The only feeling I have for you is pity. The only action I want is for you to be out of my life forever. Deep down you should even know better, you were once my friend. I would never do anything to harm you, your property, your family. I don’t have that in me. I think that is something you see as a weakness. The christianity in me, the forgiveness, the fact that I can move on where you sit and stew over everything and not only that, you also feel that everything that is done in life has been done TO you. Every person in your life has hurt you.

WAKE UP!!!!! This is getting old.. You playing the victim. People are starting to see the truth and the more people that see it, believe it and realize all the lies you have said about them how is that going to work out for you?

Why would you want to live your life a victim anyways?? It doesn’t make sense? How does that make you look as a women, a mother? I’ll tell you, pathetic. All you have done is alienate every single person that has come into your life. Your friendships and I might say even some family members are like a revolving door. They come in, smell your shit and walk right out.

My hope for you. Stop being a victim. Take r.e.s.p.o.n.s.i.b.i.l.i.t.y for the decisions you make in life. and yes I spelled it out for you because I am not sure you have ever heard the word before.

The purpose of this blog was something completely different and I went on a sideways rant.. What I was going to talk about, I met somebody Just like me. She has gone through the same things I have. She knows what I am talking about and it all makes sense to her. Its shocking how our stories are all the same and even the lies “crazy” has made up all sound alike. Its shocking to me how people believe the shit that is said.. But if people are going to believe lies good for them. I can not control others and I am not interested in trying. I am happy living my life to the fullest! Each day better than the last. Nobody can take away my happiness. You may have all the money but what is that going to do when we are all dead and gone? Nothing! You cant take it with you. Do you think anyone is going to cry when you are gone? Not really. It is about the relationships you make now, family, friends, the connections we have now until the end! Money wont make you happy but good luck trying.