Today is not someday. Today is the day you are 15. Today is the day you lash out at everything I say. Yell at me, tell me you hate me and I’m the worst mom ever. Today is the day you seem to hate me and everything I do. Today is the day I disappoint you, embarrass you, anger and make you sad.
Someday you will realize everything I’ve ever done was out of love. Someday you will know that you are my world. Someday you will know I fought for you, for you to be my child! Someday you will realize you are my everything.
But today is not someday. We have to live with today.
I have know that I am not alone but in away when you have a “crazy” person in your life you feel alone. Others do not understand that this person could really do the things I tell them, you seem so unreal. Why? Why is it so hard to believe. I will tell you. Because you and I do not think like this “crazy” person. Our mind is not built like this “crazy” person. We would never hurt people, we would never plot or make plans to destroy “crazy” person or anyone for that matter even if we didn’t like the person. We spend our days living!! We spend our days with loved ones, our husbands, children, family, FRIENDS! People we care about, relationships we want to build and nourish. “Crazy” person spends the day filled in a hole of sadness trying to figure out how to bring everyone one else down. Coming up with ideas of how to hurt the people in and out of their life. Coming up with lies to cover up the other lies they have already told. You think that we are angry with you? You think that we are out to get you? I know this might be hard to hear but we feel sorry for you. The only feeling I have for you is pity. The only action I want is for you to be out of my life forever. Deep down you should even know better, you were once my friend. I would never do anything to harm you, your property, your family. I don’t have that in me. I think that is something you see as a weakness. The christianity in me, the forgiveness, the fact that I can move on where you sit and stew over everything and not only that, you also feel that everything that is done in life has been done TO you. Every person in your life has hurt you.
WAKE UP!!!!! This is getting old.. You playing the victim. People are starting to see the truth and the more people that see it, believe it and realize all the lies you have said about them how is that going to work out for you?
Why would you want to live your life a victim anyways?? It doesn’t make sense? How does that make you look as a women, a mother? I’ll tell you, pathetic. All you have done is alienate every single person that has come into your life. Your friendships and I might say even some family members are like a revolving door. They come in, smell your shit and walk right out.
My hope for you. Stop being a victim. Take r.e.s.p.o.n.s.i.b.i.l.i.t.y for the decisions you make in life. and yes I spelled it out for you because I am not sure you have ever heard the word before.
The purpose of this blog was something completely different and I went on a sideways rant.. What I was going to talk about, I met somebody Just like me. She has gone through the same things I have. She knows what I am talking about and it all makes sense to her. Its shocking how our stories are all the same and even the lies “crazy” has made up all sound alike. Its shocking to me how people believe the shit that is said.. But if people are going to believe lies good for them. I can not control others and I am not interested in trying. I am happy living my life to the fullest! Each day better than the last. Nobody can take away my happiness. You may have all the money but what is that going to do when we are all dead and gone? Nothing! You cant take it with you. Do you think anyone is going to cry when you are gone? Not really. It is about the relationships you make now, family, friends, the connections we have now until the end! Money wont make you happy but good luck trying.
I am in a room with family. My dog cuddled up to me. But yet… I feel nothing right now, other than the over whelming thought of flight. The thought of running. I haven’t felt this way since I was a child. Huge abandonment issues, never truly feeling wanted or loved. All of those feelings are starting to creep back to the surface I thought I had buried them so deep they could NeVeR be found.
What would happen if I got in my car and left? How long could I get a hotel? How far could I get… How long would it take for them to notice? Would they notice?
I hope that I come out of this soon… There is nothing like feeling empty and alone.
For every tear I shed for you I die a little more inside…