Its been a long time

As my nerves in my body prick me like needles I sit here thinking how things used to be.

I get sick sometimes, these things happen and I don’t expect much. Hell I prefer to be left alone

But… you of all people. You know I am in pain, you know what I am going through and you just don’t care anymore.

I wonder if it is the years of growing up seeing me like this you have given up caring? Or is it that you have found someone else more deserving of your time and affection?

Maybe it’s me? Maybe I am the one giving up and giving into the pain. Letting myself drown in it.

I wish for things to go back to the way they were or even better, pain free!

 

Why Mock Me

Does it make you feel better to put me down? You pretend to support me and tell me you want me to get out in the world and try new things but when it comes down to it all you do is belittle me, make me feel stupid. You mock me! Why? I have finally come up with a new way to get out of my box. Instead of watching others live I want to live. Does it scare you? When I decide I wanted to start this new journey in my life I promised myself I would not allow anything or anyone to get in my way. You will not get in my way. Get onboard and enjoy the ride or jump off and watch from a far. Either way you will not effect the way I feel about myself. Or stop me from trying new things in life. Life is to short!

A feeling that something was about to change, and I am not the only one.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. Not unusual but I was at the point that I almost got up and started writing about it. It was weird, as if life was going to change? But nothing had… I couldn’t shake the feeling as if something was going to happen and I couldn’t stop it. My mom calls my son today and tells him that she woke up at 1am and started praying for him, about him. That she is worried about him, asking if everything with him is ok? I have not called my mom yet to talk with her. I guess I wanted sometime to get my own feelings out because I have had such a weird feeling lately and I just can’t pin point it. Maybe its the fact that I am 16 years in on raising my son and he keeps pointing out only two years to go. He needs to stop. Even when he is 18, even when he goes to College, even when he moves out or gets married and has babies of his own he will always be MY baby!! I have strong faith that everything will be ok. It was just an unusual feeling.

When Life Was Simple…

So thats a joke… Life has never been simple. Life has never been easy. If it was I guess it wouldn’t be worth living, right? Some days I wish were easier, some days it would be nice to have nothing going on but I do not get to choose what happens in my day. So much has happened in my life that I have to hold inside. Someday I will burst… I may not be able to control my past, present or future but what I can do is control how I deal with it! How I look at life and the situations I am in can be dealt with in either a positive manner or I can just be grumpy about everything. Its easier said then done sometimes but I would rather talk about it, get my feelings out and try to be positive rather than holding it all in and just be negative all the time. All I see when I look around me is anger, frustration, and sadness. How did we get to this point? How do we get back to where we were? Faith, Hope, and Love…

Keep Getting Hit and Hit Hard?

We were broken into last night… While sleeping last night someone(s) came onto our property and stole around $20,000 worth of our belongings. Its a hard hit. They stole things that to them mean nothing but are very personal to us. They took everything my husband needed to go to work on Monday, to provide for his family. To add insult to injury they then took off with my sons Dirt bike. When will this end?? I want my life back. Even a few days of just normal. What is normal anymore anyways?

You Can’t Break Me

I know your tactics. How you like to scare people or threaten them. You will never take away my free speech, you will never take away my happiness! Coming into my property and breaking into my vehicles, steeling from me. What does that prove? That you are pathetic and have no respect for your life.

I live in the light of the lord, you will never take my smile or happiness away. Even though you desperately try. Stop stalking me, Stop spending your life revolved around me. I want nothing to do with you. “crazy” person.

Today is another day spent with my family doing amazing things with amazing people! I couldn’t be happier today! Hope everyone else is having a great day as well:)

No Longer Silent!

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Rip Of The Tape!!! Stop caring what someone might think or say to you! You might be surprised how excepting people can be and if they judge you then really, do you care what they think anyways? I don’t… The only opinions that matter to me are my children and that is only to a point because they are children! This is the day that you speak your mind! It feels liberating to stop holding back my feelings, my emotions anymore. Yesterday I feel as if for the first time in over a year I could finally open my eyes and see. I could hear for the first time. I ripped of the tape and I can speak! Believe me I plan on speaking my mind!

Funny thing about freedom of speech… You Don’t Own It!!

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I may not like what you have to say. You may not like what I have to say but that is the beauty of being FREE!! Say what you want! What I won’t do is spread lies and talk poorly of others. Not only does that make you look like a shitty person when you act like that, why would you take time out of your life to make people feel bad about themselves? Spend time bringing people up in life! Make it a goal to do something positive even if it reaching out to one person a day to say something nice! I guarantee people will start taking the time out of their life to reach out to you! If enough of us do it emagine what could happen?

This week got ahold of me…

Usually I take a hold of life. I run with it even if I am unable to do much with my day it is still my day. This week, I sit back and look at and it took over me. It is as if everything all the appointments and people around me just took over and had control of what I did and where I had to be. Its kind of frustrating because it almost feels like days I lost or at least parts of days. I know some people will look at that and think that is a bit selfish. At least I had those days, I am alive to live them but being sick most of my days it is hard to have so much time taken away and spent on so many things that I have little to no control on. So frustrating I had no time to even sit down and write or even read one blog this week… Even now I am in the middle of dinner the dog needs to go out I need to get laundry started the kids need to finish homework I need to take my meds before it gets late my cat is bugging me because he is hungry and I am taking the time to sit for 5 minutes to write!!!! I decided I get 5 minutes to myself!

Im not sure if it is my tremors starting something new and I do not want to tell my doctors but under my left eye has started fluttering for almost two weeks now. I think its stress. Lots of stress.. All I need to do is get back to a few minutes a day for myself and it will go away. Some things can not be controlled in life like the flutter under my eye but I can control a few minutes a day for myself. If I don’t how can I be good enough for everyone else around me???

You Can’t Stop Me From Speaking My Mind…

“Everyone is in favor of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people’s idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“All these people talk so eloquently about getting back to good old-fashioned values. Well, as an old poop I can remember back to when we had those old-fashioned values, and I say let’s get back to the good old-fashioned First Amendment of the good old-fashioned Constitution of the United States — and to hell with the censors! Give me knowledge or give me death!”
― Kurt Vonnegut

I find it so interesting how you can spread your lies, tell people things about me that are untrue and hurtful but the second I stand up for my self you say I am not allowed to speak. Well this it! Me saying I WILL NOT BE QUIET ANY MORE! You wanted a fight, you wanted to show your teeth? Well all I wanted was for you to go away! All I wanted was for you to get a life, find a hobby something other than ruining others lives, maybe? I have no interest in being any part of your life or anyone you are around or speak to. All I want is to be happy, have my family happy, healthy and enjoy life and guess what? That is what we are doing.