Maybe I am going a bit crazy or the fact that I am sick and I am tired of being sick. I already have chronic pain and then to have this three week “cold” on top of it has pushed me over the edge. My Dr. today tested me for whooping cough of all things. I just about died… Of course I am allergic to the DPT vaccine so when he tells me it looks like and sounds like I have it and need to be tested for it I scrunch into a ball and say NOOOOOOOOO!
Next came the horrible test where he tries to stick 6 inch Q-tips down my nose. I have to laugh at this because he tried and I swatted his hand away. So we tried again with this time getting in only a little further. He looked at me like I was a bit crazy and said we needed to do a bit better. So we tried again. Well, after about a half dozen times trying we were done. With one side!
I don’t understand what was wrong with me today? I have been poked and prodded for years because of my brain disorder but today the thought of something going up my nose was not going to happen. I should have been stronger and told my brain that I needed to do what ever I had to, to stop coughing. To stop being sick…
From the dark circles under my eyes
to the weight that goes straight to my thighs
My stringy hair, with that hint of gray
My memory less and less with everyday
Those unforgiving “old spots” on my face,
Somedays I would give anything to just erase!
Each and every imperfection makes me unique
Makes me who I am. Take your imperfections each of you
Find something you like about them, I dare you to.
Last night I couldn’t sleep. Not unusual but I was at the point that I almost got up and started writing about it. It was weird, as if life was going to change? But nothing had… I couldn’t shake the feeling as if something was going to happen and I couldn’t stop it. My mom calls my son today and tells him that she woke up at 1am and started praying for him, about him. That she is worried about him, asking if everything with him is ok? I have not called my mom yet to talk with her. I guess I wanted sometime to get my own feelings out because I have had such a weird feeling lately and I just can’t pin point it. Maybe its the fact that I am 16 years in on raising my son and he keeps pointing out only two years to go. He needs to stop. Even when he is 18, even when he goes to College, even when he moves out or gets married and has babies of his own he will always be MY baby!! I have strong faith that everything will be ok. It was just an unusual feeling.
Let me tell you it was a mind blowing realization. To know that its not me but them. How might you ask did I figure this all out? That its really the people I was around and their negativity rubbed off on me. Well, once you remove all the people from your life with black souls, hatred, daily negativity. Your left with your self. With the positive people in your life and you decide if you are good or not. I love life, I love my family and friends. I have good days and bad just like everyone else but to see life as happy as I do now is great!
I always have told my children to surround your self around people that are good and people that will treat you the way you want to be treated. Why did I not listen to my own words? Now I do!
So I broke down and finally went and saw a pain specialist. I gave him the list of my meds, my medical procedures, surgeries, my migraine chart and on and on.. I did not know what would happen. He was pretty good, he came up with some great ideas and noticed that night time was one of my hardest times of the day. I don’t sleep, making it so I am in more pain in the morning. He prescribed me another seizure med right before bed and so far every night I up the dose until I am at the right dose. I sleep great, and this is why I am blogging this. With over 8 years of chronic pain I have had two days of less pain days!!!!!!!! I am talking about I wake up in the morning and my head feels almost numb. I don’t have a headache or migraine for the whole day. It is unheard of.. It has been a long time. Who knew it would take two seizure meds to fix me. Love it!! I am a realist and know that this might not last forever so I am enjoying every day as in comes.
So thats a joke… Life has never been simple. Life has never been easy. If it was I guess it wouldn’t be worth living, right? Some days I wish were easier, some days it would be nice to have nothing going on but I do not get to choose what happens in my day. So much has happened in my life that I have to hold inside. Someday I will burst… I may not be able to control my past, present or future but what I can do is control how I deal with it! How I look at life and the situations I am in can be dealt with in either a positive manner or I can just be grumpy about everything. Its easier said then done sometimes but I would rather talk about it, get my feelings out and try to be positive rather than holding it all in and just be negative all the time. All I see when I look around me is anger, frustration, and sadness. How did we get to this point? How do we get back to where we were? Faith, Hope, and Love…
I know your tactics. How you like to scare people or threaten them. You will never take away my free speech, you will never take away my happiness! Coming into my property and breaking into my vehicles, steeling from me. What does that prove? That you are pathetic and have no respect for your life.
I live in the light of the lord, you will never take my smile or happiness away. Even though you desperately try. Stop stalking me, Stop spending your life revolved around me. I want nothing to do with you. “crazy” person.
Today is another day spent with my family doing amazing things with amazing people! I couldn’t be happier today! Hope everyone else is having a great day as well:)