Throwing In The Towel

I have never been one to look at others and judge. You know the type who live their life feeling as if they are above everyone else. I have however never understood anyone wanting to walk away from their family. Just up and walk away. You read stories where they look happy, normal family, picket fence type and one day she just gets in her car and drives off into the sunset never to come back. Husband wondering why? Kids wondering what they did wrong? I have never thought much about any of this. Up until about a month ago and then it increasingly gets worse. My husband and my children, they need me… right???

Lately I have felt so alone. Maybe it is because they are older now and they don’t need me as much as they used to. Not only that but they push me away, say harsh things that I would have never said to my mother. But I also was raised by a single mother who we respected more than anything in this world. My children must not respect me anymore. Is that it, they don’t respect me?

I have resorted to locking myself in my room or leaving for a few hours because I just do not know what to do. I am tired of feeling alone when I am surrounded by people. I am tired of being told that I am hated by the people that are supposed to love me the most. I am tired of living this life, this ONE life that God gave me to live… like this.

Something has to change.

A feeling that something was about to change, and I am not the only one.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. Not unusual but I was at the point that I almost got up and started writing about it. It was weird, as if life was going to change? But nothing had… I couldn’t shake the feeling as if something was going to happen and I couldn’t stop it. My mom calls my son today and tells him that she woke up at 1am and started praying for him, about him. That she is worried about him, asking if everything with him is ok? I have not called my mom yet to talk with her. I guess I wanted sometime to get my own feelings out because I have had such a weird feeling lately and I just can’t pin point it. Maybe its the fact that I am 16 years in on raising my son and he keeps pointing out only two years to go. He needs to stop. Even when he is 18, even when he goes to College, even when he moves out or gets married and has babies of his own he will always be MY baby!! I have strong faith that everything will be ok. It was just an unusual feeling.

Take a moment

This is what I have to remind myself each day. Take a moment… Even if it is just that. A moment for myself, a moment to relax, breath, stop working, stressing about life. Take a moment to just be in this moment right now. The last few days I have let my life get to me. With the business and with stress at home. I can hold it together for so long but by the time it gets dark it seems like I start to unravel. Fall apart… I need to pull myself back together. Not just for me but for everyone around me. Patience, Understanding, Love, Confidence, Creativity, Those are the attributes I want people to see when they look at me not pain, sadness, anger, frustration, or even at times hopeless.

Dont be afraid

My son messages me today that he is afraid. That he feels that he will not get the GPA this quarter that he has worked so hard to achieve. His finals are not working out the way he had hoped. I try and console him. Let him know that I am here for him. He can only do his best. He needs to stop, breath and take a moment. Think has he tried his hardest, does he feel good about the job he has done? Sometimes in life thats all we can do. I forget to take my own advice sometimes. Stop breath and take a moment. Stop stressing and worrying about the things I cannot change. Live in this moment! If everyone stopped and lived in this moment right now how much weight would lift off our backs? How much more time would we have in our life for our loved ones? Just a thought…

insurance What?

So with the New Year comes New problems. Looks like we may not have insurance in a month… I haven’t been without insurance my entire adult life. So I am investigating where to buy good insurance. But Anyone who has health conditions knows how complicating that can be. Not only is it expensive the chances of me being able to continue seeing my Doctors anymore is slim to none. This sucks! Who ever is meddling in my life right now needs to stop before I blow up! At least I was able to make appointments with everyone I needed to this next week so I could button everything up! But man, I am telling you that this is stressful and the migraines that add to this stress are insane. I have always been so grateful for what I have but when you are faced with the true reality of losing your life style or losing the way you care for your self and your children its heart wrenching… Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and this was all just a bad dream.

the end of 2014

By the end of the year my Dear Grandmother Laura passed. She was old in years and it was expected a women of her age and well lets just say an amazing life to have to die at some point. But you never really grasp it at the time. She was our matriarch. The one who held the family together. The strong Norwegian tall, with size 13 mens shoes. When you came into her home you were family. You were always given a hot meal, a sweet treat and a warm bed if needed. My whole life I looked up to this women. This strong women. So truth be told, watching her failing health the last few years of her life was hard. When we would visit and she would say that she was ready to go home to her heavenly father. To see may Grandfather, my father who had passed on before her I could understand. It must be hard going from a strong independent women to a frail, helpless women depending on others.

She had what the Drs thought to be a stroke. But with no test we will never know? I don’t believe them. She laid there in her bed for a week no water, no food. I brought my son the first day and she was non responsive. he was so upset. crying, telling me that he wished one more time to hear her tell the story how she was Grand Marshall in the parade and they road together in the convertible. It was their story! I told him to tell her the story. He did. As he told her the story she opened her eyes, as he got to the part where she taught him how to wave she lifted her arm and started to wave at him… We all jumped up and started screaming. Oh Tommy Boy! (that is what my Grandmother always referred to my son as. It took Tommy Boy to get Grandma to wake up!! That day and part of the next she was with us. She couldn’t speak, she communicated with her eyes and she moved her hands a little. I took my son home and came back with my daughter and we ended up staying the entire week. taking care of her almost up until the end. Swabbing her mouth, rubbing her head, hands, telling her we loved her, making she she was comfortable. Making the plans for after…

She died on Halloween.


Wow what a crap start to a year…

I can’t be alone on this one. I am not sure what to do when I see all the pictures of all the Happy people saying Happy New Year. Be happy for them or cry inside…

The last thing I got out of 2014 was a great big hug out of my daughter and a great big kiss from my husband. With BIG hopes of 2015 came Great big disappointments… like always when you hope for the best what happens??? I woke up with the biggest Migraine. Puking by 5/6am my Dr.s office closed all day. My neurologist is on vacation for two weeks so I cant even get in with him anyways. His partner isnt much help. They just tell me to go to the ER for Infusions… Otherwise I can go in Monday at 8:30am for infusions.

Question… when you have had a migraine for two days straight (sick in bed) and they want you to make an apointment to get infusions for 4 days later how does that make sense? I think to myself if I am still in bed 4 days later I will have killed myself by then:) Thanks but no thanks!

I already have daily headaches so I am in daily pain anyways but I manage at a reasonable level. But man is it getting a bit insane… Lack of sleep isnt helping.

Im working on a huge project with our largest contract. Not helping…

My son got in a huge fight with my daughter today when I tried to resolve it it backfired into him attacking me. Ive never seen anything like it. I dont even want to speak to him at this point..

I have court coming up in a few weeks my ex friend who wanted my husband/family/business is sueing me.. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. If I have any luck I won’t be there. My plan is to do what I have done this whole time.. Stay out of it. My life is so much better with the people I have in it now.

Holy crap… I need for 2015 to get better… I can’t even look at this as a “New Year” maybe I just need to take each day as it comes otherwise I am going to drive myself crazy…

Maybe its the pain talking…

I started writing a poem and erased it all.. my mind is so full of so many thoughts right now that I cant think clear. Im angry, sad, frustrated. All at once.. When your children are small and your in control you look into their little faces with so much hope and love and think about the future. Scared of what can be. As they get older it gets scarier, you lose control, they become more independent and want to branch off and do their own things. The more you try to hold on the more they try to push you away..

Im pretty sure my son is at the point of his life where he wants to be an adult but doesn’t understand that he is a kid. He wants to be respected but doesn’t understand that its earned not given to you. I wish I had all of the answers, I wish I was the mother my mom was growing up. Raising five children on her own she did such a fantastic job. Not one of us would have ever disrespected my mother the way my son disrespected me. Where did I go wrong? Do I buy him to many things? Do I do to much for him? I had him at a young age so I kinda grew up with him but I am the adult, he is the child and dang it I should be respected!

I hate to say it but I don’t want to look in his face. I don’t want to be around him. If I could take my daughter and leave for a few days to cool down I would. I know that sounds horrible. Im the adult, I am supposed to forgive and move on but some things that were said I don’t know if I can ever get pass… Some things he did I don’t know if I can ever forgive.

Week from Hell… No Just another week on earth

Every day I feel like I have someone sitting on my chest

I cant breath… 

Everything going on in our life is a mess

How can I fix it, how can I make it right? 

I am so tired of Doctor appointments

I am so tired of lawyers

I am so tired of losing my friend and not understanding why

I hate that I wake up everyday in pain just to live through the day to wake up the next day in pain

I want a plan… 

Can I have a do over? Is it to late

Wake up tomorrow and just change my life. Change the way I live, the way I act, the things I do, become a whole different person? Maybe if I dislike the way things are going now I need to reset my life. My husbands life, my kids life. 

now its crazy meds talking… I just know I cant live the rest of my life like this. I have to change something, anything. HELP!!! 

Just Breath…

My chest gets tight
My head, its hurting
I look at you, so little
and your in pain…

Why? Why must this happen
Your not supposed to be like me
your supposed to live
live pain free

No worries, Happy life
No pain…
I wish I could kiss it all away
Pray it gone

If I could I would take it all away. I would rather have your pain then see you cry… I love you my little girl