I have never been one to look at others and judge. You know the type who live their life feeling as if they are above everyone else. I have however never understood anyone wanting to walk away from their family. Just up and walk away. You read stories where they look happy, normal family, picket fence type and one day she just gets in her car and drives off into the sunset never to come back. Husband wondering why? Kids wondering what they did wrong? I have never thought much about any of this. Up until about a month ago and then it increasingly gets worse. My husband and my children, they need me… right???
Lately I have felt so alone. Maybe it is because they are older now and they don’t need me as much as they used to. Not only that but they push me away, say harsh things that I would have never said to my mother. But I also was raised by a single mother who we respected more than anything in this world. My children must not respect me anymore. Is that it, they don’t respect me?
I have resorted to locking myself in my room or leaving for a few hours because I just do not know what to do. I am tired of feeling alone when I am surrounded by people. I am tired of being told that I am hated by the people that are supposed to love me the most. I am tired of living this life, this ONE life that God gave me to live… like this.
Something has to change.
Last night I couldn’t sleep. Not unusual but I was at the point that I almost got up and started writing about it. It was weird, as if life was going to change? But nothing had… I couldn’t shake the feeling as if something was going to happen and I couldn’t stop it. My mom calls my son today and tells him that she woke up at 1am and started praying for him, about him. That she is worried about him, asking if everything with him is ok? I have not called my mom yet to talk with her. I guess I wanted sometime to get my own feelings out because I have had such a weird feeling lately and I just can’t pin point it. Maybe its the fact that I am 16 years in on raising my son and he keeps pointing out only two years to go. He needs to stop. Even when he is 18, even when he goes to College, even when he moves out or gets married and has babies of his own he will always be MY baby!! I have strong faith that everything will be ok. It was just an unusual feeling.
Let me tell you it was a mind blowing realization. To know that its not me but them. How might you ask did I figure this all out? That its really the people I was around and their negativity rubbed off on me. Well, once you remove all the people from your life with black souls, hatred, daily negativity. Your left with your self. With the positive people in your life and you decide if you are good or not. I love life, I love my family and friends. I have good days and bad just like everyone else but to see life as happy as I do now is great!
I always have told my children to surround your self around people that are good and people that will treat you the way you want to be treated. Why did I not listen to my own words? Now I do!
So I broke down and finally went and saw a pain specialist. I gave him the list of my meds, my medical procedures, surgeries, my migraine chart and on and on.. I did not know what would happen. He was pretty good, he came up with some great ideas and noticed that night time was one of my hardest times of the day. I don’t sleep, making it so I am in more pain in the morning. He prescribed me another seizure med right before bed and so far every night I up the dose until I am at the right dose. I sleep great, and this is why I am blogging this. With over 8 years of chronic pain I have had two days of less pain days!!!!!!!! I am talking about I wake up in the morning and my head feels almost numb. I don’t have a headache or migraine for the whole day. It is unheard of.. It has been a long time. Who knew it would take two seizure meds to fix me. Love it!! I am a realist and know that this might not last forever so I am enjoying every day as in comes.
We were broken into last night… While sleeping last night someone(s) came onto our property and stole around $20,000 worth of our belongings. Its a hard hit. They stole things that to them mean nothing but are very personal to us. They took everything my husband needed to go to work on Monday, to provide for his family. To add insult to injury they then took off with my sons Dirt bike. When will this end?? I want my life back. Even a few days of just normal. What is normal anymore anyways?
Rather than looking into the past I am trying to focus on the this moment. At least that’s what I am learning to do. With this constant pain I endure and the reality that this is it. It’s so hard not to look at old pictures of my children and memories of when they were younger. Thinking do they even remember me before I was diagnosed? Do they remember the mom I was before I was in pain all the time? Living in this moment is hard.
Sometimes I want to skip a bit into the future… What will I be then? A better wife, better mom, better me? Or still just in pain just a few less years of my life.
Maybe one of the lessons of “living in the moment” is not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. I can’t change anything. I can’t make what I have magically go away. It’s here.. Deal with it!
Days like today where I feel overwhelmed. Swamped with work, lack of support from key people in my life, Doctor appointments, drowning in laundry and house work… the list goes on. I must remember to keep my voice. I tend to hide under a rock. Bury myself so deep that no one can find me. I stopped writing for almost a year. I stopped talking to so many people I even would dodge phone calls from close family and friends. If I have learned one thing from myself I need to keep my voice and in times that I am stressed, sad and utterly going crazy I must not hide from the ones I care the most.