Today is not someday. Today is the day you are 15. Today is the day you lash out at everything I say. Yell at me, tell me you hate me and I’m the worst mom ever. Today is the day you seem to hate me and everything I do. Today is the day I disappoint you, embarrass you, anger and make you sad.
Someday you will realize everything I’ve ever done was out of love. Someday you will know that you are my world. Someday you will know I fought for you, for you to be my child! Someday you will realize you are my everything.
But today is not someday. We have to live with today.
I have never been one to look at others and judge. You know the type who live their life feeling as if they are above everyone else. I have however never understood anyone wanting to walk away from their family. Just up and walk away. You read stories where they look happy, normal family, picket fence type and one day she just gets in her car and drives off into the sunset never to come back. Husband wondering why? Kids wondering what they did wrong? I have never thought much about any of this. Up until about a month ago and then it increasingly gets worse. My husband and my children, they need me… right???
Lately I have felt so alone. Maybe it is because they are older now and they don’t need me as much as they used to. Not only that but they push me away, say harsh things that I would have never said to my mother. But I also was raised by a single mother who we respected more than anything in this world. My children must not respect me anymore. Is that it, they don’t respect me?
I have resorted to locking myself in my room or leaving for a few hours because I just do not know what to do. I am tired of feeling alone when I am surrounded by people. I am tired of being told that I am hated by the people that are supposed to love me the most. I am tired of living this life, this ONE life that God gave me to live… like this.
So I broke down and finally went and saw a pain specialist. I gave him the list of my meds, my medical procedures, surgeries, my migraine chart and on and on.. I did not know what would happen. He was pretty good, he came up with some great ideas and noticed that night time was one of my hardest times of the day. I don’t sleep, making it so I am in more pain in the morning. He prescribed me another seizure med right before bed and so far every night I up the dose until I am at the right dose. I sleep great, and this is why I am blogging this. With over 8 years of chronic pain I have had two days of less pain days!!!!!!!! I am talking about I wake up in the morning and my head feels almost numb. I don’t have a headache or migraine for the whole day. It is unheard of.. It has been a long time. Who knew it would take two seizure meds to fix me. Love it!! I am a realist and know that this might not last forever so I am enjoying every day as in comes.
Im sitting in a dark room with the glow from my Christmas Tree. I start thinking of all the things i am grateful for. That I am so blessed to have in my life. So for each day of December I truly have something to be thankful for. 1.My loving mother, my hero. 2. My siblings, Catherine, Bryan, Jon, Peder.They helped mold me into who I am today. 3.The health of my family 4. My husband, my soulmate, my best friend and the love of my life… 5. My son Tommy, the child that saved my life 6. My Daughter Isabelle, the child that reminds me to live each day to the fullest 7. My friends that stick with me no matter what 8. My new friends on here, finding common ground 9. My cat Mr Kitty Winkles (now deceased but always remembered), He knew when I was sick and he came and took care of me 10. My Dog Butters, she knows I am alone each day and keeps me company. 11. Having Jesus in my life, Who could really ask for more? 12. Knowing I will see my Dad again some day. 13. Enjoying the quiet in the house while everyone else is asleep. 14. For a roof over my head 15. Clothes on my back 16. Food in my stomach 17. Truly Thankful for daily cinnamon Rolls! 18. Laughter in my home 19. Days that my pain level is below a 5! 20. My Dr.s that care not just for me but care about me. 21. Beary my new kitten and all of the funny things he does each day… 22. My Grandma Laura who recently passed, the matriarch of our family. 23. All of the new babies being born into our family, and that they are healthy! 24. The safety of my Uncle Dan who is in the Military, Stationed right now in Africa. 24. Starting to have less shaky days then days shaking. 25. Hugs and kisses before I go to bed every night. 26. Going to California every year and feeling the sun on my back and the sand between my toes… 26. Slippers and PJ’s 27. Slow days at work with little to no calls:) 28. I have a nice safe car to drive, even thou I hate driving. 28. I have one less water sample to take each month for our business. 29. Going to New Orleans again this year! Already booked it for my birthday:) 30. When my children truly get along and you see the love they have for each other, its priceless. 31. I am thankful for all of the Good in my life. I will take the bad any day because all of the good outweighs what ever happens in life.
Every day I feel like I have someone sitting on my chest
I cant breath…
Everything going on in our life is a mess
How can I fix it, how can I make it right?
I am so tired of Doctor appointments
I am so tired of lawyers
I am so tired of losing my friend and not understanding why
I hate that I wake up everyday in pain just to live through the day to wake up the next day in pain
I want a plan…
Can I have a do over? Is it to late
Wake up tomorrow and just change my life. Change the way I live, the way I act, the things I do, become a whole different person? Maybe if I dislike the way things are going now I need to reset my life. My husbands life, my kids life.
now its crazy meds talking… I just know I cant live the rest of my life like this. I have to change something, anything. HELP!!!