Going into the unknown…

I guess anything worth doing is worth doing right. But what happens when you do not know what the right decision is? You are at a crossroad and each road could take you down completely different paths. Do you just blindly go and hope for the best? Or carefully go through every little detail and hope that you make the right choice?

Ever since I was a little girl and my Papa died and then my father left me I have had strong feelings of abandonment. With that comes the fear of change, the unknowing. I am sometimes a realist, I know things can not and will not stay the same for ever but when your life is going along day to day and things are happy and all of a sudden BOOM, Change! Its a harsh reality and at that point makes you wonder whats next? What else am I going to lose, or what else is going to change in my life tomorrow if tomorrow even comes?

I wish I could go back to when I was a child sometimes. Before my papa died, and before my dad left me. Before my mom who was at that point a stay at home mom had to then get 2-3 jobs at a time to support us, to keep us fed and in our home. If I could relive any moment in my life I believe I would choice that moment when life was calm and I did not have to make the grownup decisions for my family.

Now its unto me… What road do I take? Do I go blindly or think careful about every decision I make.

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The 48 hour request

One of the best decisions my husband has ever done for me

Knowing my son has started “tricking” me into agreeing on things

I then forget of course because my brain works that way

We have implemented the 48 hour request.

This is how it works…

Anything he would like to do must be emailed to me CC to his father atleast 48 hours in advance

With time, date, people involved.

I then must except or deny or change the terms.

It’s brilliant! No more tricking

No more making me feel like I’m going crazy!

My Greatest Loss

In the spirit of sharing.. Something I have never opened up about. The loss of my father

The first week of February I went out to dinner with my step mom (Diane) my and and my two kids. The food was good the company was even better. Who knew that would be the last meal I would have with my dad, the last time I heard him say “I love you.” The next morning I get a call from Diane that my dad collapsed at work and was being rushed to the hospital.¬†

I jumped in my car, called my siblings, get to the hospital and we wait. I see the ambulance pull in. I ran outside and I see them pulling my dad out of the ambulance on a stretcher, not breathing on his own. We go back in and we wait. Scared and unsure what was going on.

We go in to see him, it smells of death everywhere. He is in a medical induced coma. They are running tests to see if he is even still inside , alive. He has tubes down his throat for him to breath. His stomach pumping up and down with each breath forced into his lungs. I remember sitting there with my sister telling him “Daddy, your girls are here for you, we love you so much! Please wake up and come back o us.”

It was so emotional with each person talking to him, with every look at him, with every thought of loosing him.

We waited almost a week. Waited while they ran tests. While we prayed, stayed by his bed side. The smell of death in the air. We waited. We couldn’t leave him. Until the choice had to be made. We had to ¬†make the choice, and we made it.

Everyone said what they needed to say, we prayed, we gathered together and all at once the machine went off. The pumping stopped… The beeping stopped… He took one last deep breath and then stopped. I fell to the ground in disbelief …

My Daddy was dead