Not alone anymore…

I have know that I am not alone but in away when you have a “crazy” person in your life you feel alone. Others do not understand that this person could really do the things I tell them, you seem so unreal. Why? Why is it so hard to believe. I will tell you. Because you and I do not think like this “crazy” person. Our mind is not built like this “crazy” person. We would never hurt people, we would never plot or make plans to destroy “crazy” person or anyone for that matter even if we didn’t like the person. We spend our days living!! We spend our days with loved ones, our husbands, children, family, FRIENDS! People we care about, relationships we want to build and nourish. “Crazy” person spends the day filled in a hole of sadness trying to figure out how to bring everyone one else down. Coming up with ideas of how to hurt the people in and out of their life. Coming up with lies to cover up the other lies they have already told. You think that we are angry with you? You think that we are out to get you? I know this might be hard to hear but we feel sorry for you. The only feeling I have for you is pity. The only action I want is for you to be out of my life forever. Deep down you should even know better, you were once my friend. I would never do anything to harm you, your property, your family. I don’t have that in me. I think that is something you see as a weakness. The christianity in me, the forgiveness, the fact that I can move on where you sit and stew over everything and not only that, you also feel that everything that is done in life has been done TO you. Every person in your life has hurt you.

WAKE UP!!!!! This is getting old.. You playing the victim. People are starting to see the truth and the more people that see it, believe it and realize all the lies you have said about them how is that going to work out for you?

Why would you want to live your life a victim anyways?? It doesn’t make sense? How does that make you look as a women, a mother? I’ll tell you, pathetic. All you have done is alienate every single person that has come into your life. Your friendships and I might say even some family members are like a revolving door. They come in, smell your shit and walk right out.

My hope for you. Stop being a victim. Take r.e.s.p.o.n.s.i.b.i.l.i.t.y for the decisions you make in life. and yes I spelled it out for you because I am not sure you have ever heard the word before.

The purpose of this blog was something completely different and I went on a sideways rant.. What I was going to talk about, I met somebody Just like me. She has gone through the same things I have. She knows what I am talking about and it all makes sense to her. Its shocking how our stories are all the same and even the lies “crazy” has made up all sound alike. Its shocking to me how people believe the shit that is said.. But if people are going to believe lies good for them. I can not control others and I am not interested in trying. I am happy living my life to the fullest! Each day better than the last. Nobody can take away my happiness. You may have all the money but what is that going to do when we are all dead and gone? Nothing! You cant take it with you. Do you think anyone is going to cry when you are gone? Not really. It is about the relationships you make now, family, friends, the connections we have now until the end! Money wont make you happy but good luck trying.

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2015 Bucket List (in no special order)

I have decided after reading a few peoples lists that I am going about this “New Year” Thing the wrong way. I am usually not a half empty glass kind of gal but the way this year has started I feel like I keep getting kicked in the stomach. Over, and over again. Instead of focusing on the bad in my life, the things I may not be able to change why not have some things to look forward to. Even if I cant do them all. Lord knows that I spend A lot of time home sick, in bed or at the hospital or Dr’s BUT… I can still make a list, I can still try! There is nothing wrong with having something to look at that can at least put a smile on my face when I see it:) and if worst gets to worst and I am unable to do most of it I will start to drasticly change my lsit to things that I am able to do such as spend my days in my PJs or Drink Coffee:) lol

1. Visit New Orleans!
2. Visit the dog park at least once a month
3. take a jewelry making class
4. visit my mom more
5. Go to my Dads grave…
6. Fish with my husband
7. take less medication
8. try for a long infusion again to see if it helps, maybe in Vegas?
9. go on walks
10. Go to California and stick my feet in the sand
11. take a cooking class
12. clamming
13. Sell my house
14. Buy a new house
15. Find a home for my bunny
16. Get my Invisalign off!
17. Have a better relationship with my husband
18. Have a better relationship with my kids
19. take kids to zoo, aquarium, or parks??
20. Drive to Portland Oregon and visit with friends and family I haven’t seen in a long time.
21. painting or pottery class?
22. crabbing
23. Try canoeing
24. hiking to the falls I liked as a kid
25. spend less
26. save more
27. pay off my debt
28. Do more for our business, and be happy about it:)
29. take more time to build relationships with my friends
30. Take a random road trip somewhere new…
31. Shrimping
32. panning for gold
33. stop being afraid of going out in public
34. Keep up on emails
35. Get a camper and drive cross country
36. Mani Pedi
37. Bowling
38. Do something for someone else
39. eat out at one of my favorite restaurants
40. Go to a State I haven’t been yet!!!
41. Camping
42. Meditation
43. read at least one book a month (even if my head hurts)
44. collect more records
45. Stay in a hotel, just because
46. once a week call a random family member just to catch up…
47. mend broken relationships, at least the ones that can be fixed.
48. Buy something that I have always wanted, even if I don’t know what it is yet?
49. take some classes to get out of the house
50. Make it out to Alaska! To the Kenai

Extras (just incase I want to switch out my top 50 or do more:) Every day I keep thinking of more things I want to do! Or… things that I would rather do than a few things on my list. So here we go with 2015!!!

51. Visit with Friends
52. Blog more
53. ‘pay it Forward’ initiative
54. Watch less TV?? lol
55. Find my Bunny a new home
56. Pray more, or at least remember to give it to god when I try to give up.
57. Get a massage
59. finish painting house, inside and out
60.

My Sally

People come into our life at the time we need them the most 

Stop looking, shut your eyes, it will happen

It might even be someone you wouldn’t expect

I just lost one of my very best friends and with her she tried to ruin my marriage. Along with that I was feeling alone, sick, in pain, and very confused.

Out of nowhere I get an email from Sally… My elderly neighbor. She had heard that I was having some health problems and offered to watch my daughter and help out anytime I needed her. She had Migraines when she was my age. Knew how hard it was to raise children while she was in so much pain.

Weeks have gone by and I have thought about Sally. I have a Dr. appointment today for my third round of Botox, yesterday I spent the entire day in the ER and I feel like crud. I called Sally. She was so loving, so caring and wanted to know how she could help. She would love to watch Issa for me and she already has crafts planned. Suggested different meds that her and her daughter had used in the past. The entire talk was so uplifting. 

I decided everyone with chronic pain needs their own Sally. Find someone in your life that knows what you are going through. That can talk to you and truly know how it feels! Only someone who has gone through it, experienced it can truly understand. 

Thats my Sally 

Its Kinda Funny…

Im not sure if Funny is the right word to use. Amusing? Or interesting… 

Just a few feelings I have right now. 

As I no longer can wear my mask all the time friends are seeing me in pain. 

For who I am today. Still me Just a pain filled me. 

Its Funny the friends I thought would be in my life are far gone. 

Some others have one foot out the door. 

Others call out of the blue to make sure I am OK.

Ask me out to coffee, or just want to chat… 

Realizing the friends lost and made after being sick is life changing. It still shocks me when friends that know what I am going through think I should be able to do things I just cant. I cant get up and leave the house anytime I want, I cant drive every day, I cant make plans ahead of time. Why might you ask? Because I will most likely have to cancel them because I get to sick to actually leave my house. When I do leave my house I hurt so bad I want/need to get home as soon as I can.

I try to depend on others as little as possible. Less chance of getting hurt. All I ask of my friends is honesty, love, communication. Why some of my friends live with completely other beliefs. But I guess maybe they weren’t friends in the first place…