I think it’s the cold talking?

Maybe I am going a bit crazy or the fact that I am sick and I am tired of being sick. I already have chronic pain and then to have this three week “cold” on top of it has pushed me over the edge. My Dr. today tested me for whooping cough of all things. I just about died… Of course I am allergic to the DPT vaccine so when he tells me it looks like and sounds like I have it and need to be tested for it I scrunch into a ball and say NOOOOOOOOO!

Next came the horrible test where he tries to stick 6 inch Q-tips down my nose. I have to laugh at this because he tried and I swatted his hand away. So we tried again with this time getting in only a little further. He looked at me like I was a bit crazy and said we needed to do a bit better. So we tried again. Well, after about a half dozen times trying we were done. With one side!

I don’t understand what was wrong with me today? I have been poked and prodded for years because of my brain disorder but today the thought of something going up my nose was not going to happen. I should have been stronger and told my brain that I needed to do what ever I had to, to stop coughing. To stop being sick…

 

Trust No One!

People you thought you could trust stab you in the back. Friends, co workers, your own boss. People you spend more time every day with than your own family. Someone gets a grudge or feels wronged by you so instead of being an adult about it they act in the most distasteful manner. Spreading wrongful alegations. It’s sick what someone will do to another human being. Especially knowing they have a wife and children to feed. Today I just hate some people.

Week from Hell… No Just another week on earth

Every day I feel like I have someone sitting on my chest

I cant breath… 

Everything going on in our life is a mess

How can I fix it, how can I make it right? 

I am so tired of Doctor appointments

I am so tired of lawyers

I am so tired of losing my friend and not understanding why

I hate that I wake up everyday in pain just to live through the day to wake up the next day in pain

I want a plan… 

Can I have a do over? Is it to late

Wake up tomorrow and just change my life. Change the way I live, the way I act, the things I do, become a whole different person? Maybe if I dislike the way things are going now I need to reset my life. My husbands life, my kids life. 

now its crazy meds talking… I just know I cant live the rest of my life like this. I have to change something, anything. HELP!!! 

Just Breath…

My chest gets tight
My head, its hurting
I look at you, so little
and your in pain…

Why? Why must this happen
Your not supposed to be like me
your supposed to live
live pain free

No worries, Happy life
No pain…
I wish I could kiss it all away
Pray it gone

If I could I would take it all away. I would rather have your pain then see you cry… I love you my little girl

live without regrets?

I try to live without regrets but after my lapse of judgment, my break of sanity this weekend. My rants on “You know who” I just feel guilty… Why do I feel guilty? All I did was get my feelings out for once. Rather than keep them bottled up inside with no one to talk to.

But now I feel like I have made this place not about me. More about her… I just want to erase everything. I just wish I could go back in time and never have met her… Life would have been so much easier. Nicer in a way.

The women with the tattoo

Sitting, dazed at a meeting 

I look over at a women with a tattoo

Nothing special, just a flower on her ankle 

I started thinking of all the things I haven’t done

One being a Tattoo… 

I then started thinking about my appointment March 13th

Wondering if and when I will have brain surgery

My mind started to wonder, should I start living? 

Truly living…