I think it’s the cold talking?

Maybe I am going a bit crazy or the fact that I am sick and I am tired of being sick. I already have chronic pain and then to have this three week “cold” on top of it has pushed me over the edge. My Dr. today tested me for whooping cough of all things. I just about died… Of course I am allergic to the DPT vaccine so when he tells me it looks like and sounds like I have it and need to be tested for it I scrunch into a ball and say NOOOOOOOOO!

Next came the horrible test where he tries to stick 6 inch Q-tips down my nose. I have to laugh at this because he tried and I swatted his hand away. So we tried again with this time getting in only a little further. He looked at me like I was a bit crazy and said we needed to do a bit better. So we tried again. Well, after about a half dozen times trying we were done. With one side!

I don’t understand what was wrong with me today? I have been poked and prodded for years because of my brain disorder but today the thought of something going up my nose was not going to happen. I should have been stronger and told my brain that I needed to do what ever I had to, to stop coughing. To stop being sick…

 

Trust No One!

People you thought you could trust stab you in the back. Friends, co workers, your own boss. People you spend more time every day with than your own family. Someone gets a grudge or feels wronged by you so instead of being an adult about it they act in the most distasteful manner. Spreading wrongful alegations. It’s sick what someone will do to another human being. Especially knowing they have a wife and children to feed. Today I just hate some people.

Week from Hell… No Just another week on earth

Every day I feel like I have someone sitting on my chest

I cant breath… 

Everything going on in our life is a mess

How can I fix it, how can I make it right? 

I am so tired of Doctor appointments

I am so tired of lawyers

I am so tired of losing my friend and not understanding why

I hate that I wake up everyday in pain just to live through the day to wake up the next day in pain

I want a plan… 

Can I have a do over? Is it to late

Wake up tomorrow and just change my life. Change the way I live, the way I act, the things I do, become a whole different person? Maybe if I dislike the way things are going now I need to reset my life. My husbands life, my kids life. 

now its crazy meds talking… I just know I cant live the rest of my life like this. I have to change something, anything. HELP!!! 

Just Breath…

My chest gets tight
My head, its hurting
I look at you, so little
and your in pain…

Why? Why must this happen
Your not supposed to be like me
your supposed to live
live pain free

No worries, Happy life
No pain…
I wish I could kiss it all away
Pray it gone

If I could I would take it all away. I would rather have your pain then see you cry… I love you my little girl

live without regrets?

I try to live without regrets but after my lapse of judgment, my break of sanity this weekend. My rants on “You know who” I just feel guilty… Why do I feel guilty? All I did was get my feelings out for once. Rather than keep them bottled up inside with no one to talk to.

But now I feel like I have made this place not about me. More about her… I just want to erase everything. I just wish I could go back in time and never have met her… Life would have been so much easier. Nicer in a way.

The women with the tattoo

Sitting, dazed at a meeting 

I look over at a women with a tattoo

Nothing special, just a flower on her ankle 

I started thinking of all the things I haven’t done

One being a Tattoo… 

I then started thinking about my appointment March 13th

Wondering if and when I will have brain surgery

My mind started to wonder, should I start living? 

Truly living… 

My Sally

People come into our life at the time we need them the most 

Stop looking, shut your eyes, it will happen

It might even be someone you wouldn’t expect

I just lost one of my very best friends and with her she tried to ruin my marriage. Along with that I was feeling alone, sick, in pain, and very confused.

Out of nowhere I get an email from Sally… My elderly neighbor. She had heard that I was having some health problems and offered to watch my daughter and help out anytime I needed her. She had Migraines when she was my age. Knew how hard it was to raise children while she was in so much pain.

Weeks have gone by and I have thought about Sally. I have a Dr. appointment today for my third round of Botox, yesterday I spent the entire day in the ER and I feel like crud. I called Sally. She was so loving, so caring and wanted to know how she could help. She would love to watch Issa for me and she already has crafts planned. Suggested different meds that her and her daughter had used in the past. The entire talk was so uplifting. 

I decided everyone with chronic pain needs their own Sally. Find someone in your life that knows what you are going through. That can talk to you and truly know how it feels! Only someone who has gone through it, experienced it can truly understand. 

Thats my Sally 

My first heart attack…

Today was a very interesting experience 

Progressively I started to have chest pain sharp, then dull, tight

Making it impossible to breath 

My first thought I was having an anxiety attack 

But, about what? 

Im not really upset about anything. Very odd…

Then the pain started to move down my arm, my neck

Everything  started getting really tight… 

I attempted to make a doctor  appointment

After speaking with the doctor and nurse who told me to hang up and go straight to the ER

WHAT? Did I hear you clear? “Yes, I believe you are having a heart attack.” 

“Me, I’m only 32. I can’t be having a heart attack”

 

So.. I live in a world of denial. It’s not going to happen if I don’t allow it to or it will just go away. 

After I hung up I jumped in my car,continued with the work I needed to do today 

Then I went to my therapy appointment…

Which she wasn’t very happy with seeing as I looked like death and was curled in a ball 

It was only then did I leave and drive to the hospital 

 

Once i got there they rushed me in, hooked me up and started the tests 

EKG, full blood work up multiple chest X-rays, and what ever tests I did not listen to

Guess what… Just like I told them in the first place… 

I was not having a heart attack. Surprise!!!!! 

Instead I have an inflamation  in the wall of my chest with chest contusion. 

Question of the day??? How did I bruise the wall of my chest? 

I know I have a brain disorder. I know I forget a lot. But… 

I think I would remember bruising the wall of my chest. 

* BTW this is in the top ten most painful experiences of my life. I do believe this is how a heartattack feels and it sucks assssssssss just saying

Also takes a few days for the  inflammation to go down 

The 48 hour request

One of the best decisions my husband has ever done for me

Knowing my son has started “tricking” me into agreeing on things

I then forget of course because my brain works that way

We have implemented the 48 hour request.

This is how it works…

Anything he would like to do must be emailed to me CC to his father atleast 48 hours in advance

With time, date, people involved.

I then must except or deny or change the terms.

It’s brilliant! No more tricking

No more making me feel like I’m going crazy!