As my nerves in my body prick me like needles I sit here thinking how things used to be.
I get sick sometimes, these things happen and I don’t expect much. Hell I prefer to be left alone
But… you of all people. You know I am in pain, you know what I am going through and you just don’t care anymore.
I wonder if it is the years of growing up seeing me like this you have given up caring? Or is it that you have found someone else more deserving of your time and affection?
Maybe it’s me? Maybe I am the one giving up and giving into the pain. Letting myself drown in it.
I wish for things to go back to the way they were or even better, pain free!
People you thought you could trust stab you in the back. Friends, co workers, your own boss. People you spend more time every day with than your own family. Someone gets a grudge or feels wronged by you so instead of being an adult about it they act in the most distasteful manner. Spreading wrongful alegations. It’s sick what someone will do to another human being. Especially knowing they have a wife and children to feed. Today I just hate some people.
My chest gets tight
My head, its hurting
I look at you, so little
and your in pain…
Why? Why must this happen
Your not supposed to be like me
your supposed to live
live pain free
No worries, Happy life
I wish I could kiss it all away
Pray it gone
If I could I would take it all away. I would rather have your pain then see you cry… I love you my little girl
Sitting, dazed at a meeting
I look over at a women with a tattoo
Nothing special, just a flower on her ankle
I started thinking of all the things I haven’t done
One being a Tattoo…
I then started thinking about my appointment March 13th
Wondering if and when I will have brain surgery
My mind started to wonder, should I start living?
People come into our life at the time we need them the most
Stop looking, shut your eyes, it will happen
It might even be someone you wouldn’t expect
I just lost one of my very best friends and with her she tried to ruin my marriage. Along with that I was feeling alone, sick, in pain, and very confused.
Out of nowhere I get an email from Sally… My elderly neighbor. She had heard that I was having some health problems and offered to watch my daughter and help out anytime I needed her. She had Migraines when she was my age. Knew how hard it was to raise children while she was in so much pain.
Weeks have gone by and I have thought about Sally. I have a Dr. appointment today for my third round of Botox, yesterday I spent the entire day in the ER and I feel like crud. I called Sally. She was so loving, so caring and wanted to know how she could help. She would love to watch Issa for me and she already has crafts planned. Suggested different meds that her and her daughter had used in the past. The entire talk was so uplifting.
I decided everyone with chronic pain needs their own Sally. Find someone in your life that knows what you are going through. That can talk to you and truly know how it feels! Only someone who has gone through it, experienced it can truly understand.
Thats my Sally
One of the best decisions my husband has ever done for me
Knowing my son has started “tricking” me into agreeing on things
I then forget of course because my brain works that way
We have implemented the 48 hour request.
This is how it works…
Anything he would like to do must be emailed to me CC to his father atleast 48 hours in advance
With time, date, people involved.
I then must except or deny or change the terms.
It’s brilliant! No more tricking
No more making me feel like I’m going crazy!
I have written a half dozen thoughts and then erased them. Everything coming out of my head is negative and angry.. I am so annoyed. I just want a few minutes of quiet today. Not outside but in my head! No pain, no pressure, No stupid Migraine!! Just quiet and calm and pain free.. Part of the problem is I haven’t slept in weeks! Few hours but not what I need. grr… stupid head.
I am at a cross road in my week
drained, feeling alone, in pain…
Put on my mask and smile
or just cry for everyone to see?
All I want to do is run
Run far, far away..
You know it
You feel it
It takes over your body
Drug Induced, fog filled day…
Its hard to get any of my work done. How am I going to clean. Drive to the store?? My Doctor appointments. Im the one that cooks all of the meals! Takes care of my family. Not to mention the pain, yes! All of the pain I am in!!
I’m in bed where most people sleep. Most people find comfort or security. Instead I’m wide awake, I toss and I turn wondering why cant I just fall asleep one time! As I look up at my ceiling I get a bit more jealous of everyone in my house. Not that I want them to be in pain, not that I want them to be awake all night. I just want what they have. My sleeping angels all tucked in snug and asleep.. My husband sawing logs in his sleep louder than a chainsaw. Or even the animals content to sleep rolled up at the end of the bed. Instead I get to watch them, listen to them..
Anyone with chronic pain knows what I’m talking about when I describe how it feels to lay in bed but you just can’t sleep. You want to.. Everything in you is telling you to go to sleep. My body gave up on me around noon today but my mind won’t shut off and my body aches. If I had the choice I would be asleep at 8pm but its going to be midnight again and no sleep. Soon the kids will be waking up for school. I will be drained, no energy, feeling like a failure. The cycle continues…