Tuesday just needs to come

So many unanswered questions will be answered by Tuesday. I already know that one occupation will be gone from our home, one less income, one less way to support ourselves but the question is how will it all go down? Will the others involved let us walk away or will it be a mean bloody fight? I have multiple Doctor appointments with the possibility of going back into the hospital for a few days. My thought is will I do it and for how long this time? Last time was a week. Is it even worth it to do the infusions? We are starting to make a list of things, and I do say “things” that we can sell. Because anything we own is really not that important to me as long as my family is still together and fed, warm and in a home. I say “A” home because we have our house on the market we need to decide whether we want to stay and take it off the market and keep it as our home or drop the price and dump it so we can move. Get away from all of this shit, all the problems and all the people around us. Im not naive. I know that anywhere you go there will be people that mess with your life or problems you can’t fix or hardships but right now I just want to run. Run as fast as I can…


The Crystal Anniversary

Pat and I will have been married 15 years on the 21st of November.

The Crystal Anniversary! We both got a good laugh at that. Looked at some cheesy gifts for when we celebrate but none of that matters. Looking back at all the years, what we have gone through to build up to 15 years. All of our memories. I would like to share just a few very special with you today.

We met in high school. He looked across the room at me and we both knew “Love at first sight” He asked if he could drive me home after talking for a few days. After a week of rides and talking he asked me out on our first date.

Having little money. We drove to Seattle parked the truck and walked onto a Ferry. We went back and forth until we decided (very late) one more time back to Bainbridge and then we need to get home. Well… We did not know the Ferry stopped for the night in Bainbridge. We were stuck, no truck, no money. We walked around until we found some shelter from the cold and rain. He kept me warm and safe. We talked until morning about anything. About everything…

Our next date he took me to Snoqualmie water falls. We walked over to the falls, holding hands. He looked into my eyes and said “I am going to Marry you some day”. Of course me being me laughed in his face.. Told him he was full of shit and walked away. He chased me down grabbed me and held me close. Insisted that some day I would be his wife. At that moment he had me.

It took me awhile to bring him home to meet the family (I never brought home boyfriends!! Older brothers and all) But I could tell it bothered him. One day he drove me home from school and he asked when he would get to come in and meet my family. “Well, today is as good as any day”.  My family loved him! Took him right in.

One thing about Pat. He was out on his own at this time. He lived with friends couch hopping or in his car. He had been on his own for a long time. He ended up moving in with me a few months later. My mom knew she couldn’t keep us apart and she wasn’t willing to try.

A year later I find out I am pregnant… (still in high school) Being chicken shit one of my friends goes and buys the test for me. I am able to tell Pat and my mom. Everyone else has to find out one way or another.

A few weeks later he takes me out on the same Ferry we road on our first date. he wraps his arms around me real tight and without even knowing he slips a ring on my finger… As he turns to kneel down I grab him and say Yes, Yes, Yes!!! Ill marry you!

15 years ago I married my high school sweetheart

I married my soul mate

I married the father of my children

The love of my life

My Greatest Loss

In the spirit of sharing.. Something I have never opened up about. The loss of my father

The first week of February I went out to dinner with my step mom (Diane) my and and my two kids. The food was good the company was even better. Who knew that would be the last meal I would have with my dad, the last time I heard him say “I love you.” The next morning I get a call from Diane that my dad collapsed at work and was being rushed to the hospital. 

I jumped in my car, called my siblings, get to the hospital and we wait. I see the ambulance pull in. I ran outside and I see them pulling my dad out of the ambulance on a stretcher, not breathing on his own. We go back in and we wait. Scared and unsure what was going on.

We go in to see him, it smells of death everywhere. He is in a medical induced coma. They are running tests to see if he is even still inside , alive. He has tubes down his throat for him to breath. His stomach pumping up and down with each breath forced into his lungs. I remember sitting there with my sister telling him “Daddy, your girls are here for you, we love you so much! Please wake up and come back o us.”

It was so emotional with each person talking to him, with every look at him, with every thought of loosing him.

We waited almost a week. Waited while they ran tests. While we prayed, stayed by his bed side. The smell of death in the air. We waited. We couldn’t leave him. Until the choice had to be made. We had to  make the choice, and we made it.

Everyone said what they needed to say, we prayed, we gathered together and all at once the machine went off. The pumping stopped… The beeping stopped… He took one last deep breath and then stopped. I fell to the ground in disbelief …

My Daddy was dead