As my nerves in my body prick me like needles I sit here thinking how things used to be.
I get sick sometimes, these things happen and I don’t expect much. Hell I prefer to be left alone
But… you of all people. You know I am in pain, you know what I am going through and you just don’t care anymore.
I wonder if it is the years of growing up seeing me like this you have given up caring? Or is it that you have found someone else more deserving of your time and affection?
Maybe it’s me? Maybe I am the one giving up and giving into the pain. Letting myself drown in it.
I wish for things to go back to the way they were or even better, pain free!
Usually I take a hold of life. I run with it even if I am unable to do much with my day it is still my day. This week, I sit back and look at and it took over me. It is as if everything all the appointments and people around me just took over and had control of what I did and where I had to be. Its kind of frustrating because it almost feels like days I lost or at least parts of days. I know some people will look at that and think that is a bit selfish. At least I had those days, I am alive to live them but being sick most of my days it is hard to have so much time taken away and spent on so many things that I have little to no control on. So frustrating I had no time to even sit down and write or even read one blog this week… Even now I am in the middle of dinner the dog needs to go out I need to get laundry started the kids need to finish homework I need to take my meds before it gets late my cat is bugging me because he is hungry and I am taking the time to sit for 5 minutes to write!!!! I decided I get 5 minutes to myself!
Im not sure if it is my tremors starting something new and I do not want to tell my doctors but under my left eye has started fluttering for almost two weeks now. I think its stress. Lots of stress.. All I need to do is get back to a few minutes a day for myself and it will go away. Some things can not be controlled in life like the flutter under my eye but I can control a few minutes a day for myself. If I don’t how can I be good enough for everyone else around me???
Finding Frogs with my daughter in the garden or taking walks with my kids through the Tulip fields. Reminders like these get me through the winter.
I have decided after reading a few peoples lists that I am going about this “New Year” Thing the wrong way. I am usually not a half empty glass kind of gal but the way this year has started I feel like I keep getting kicked in the stomach. Over, and over again. Instead of focusing on the bad in my life, the things I may not be able to change why not have some things to look forward to. Even if I cant do them all. Lord knows that I spend A lot of time home sick, in bed or at the hospital or Dr’s BUT… I can still make a list, I can still try! There is nothing wrong with having something to look at that can at least put a smile on my face when I see it:) and if worst gets to worst and I am unable to do most of it I will start to drasticly change my lsit to things that I am able to do such as spend my days in my PJs or Drink Coffee:) lol
1. Visit New Orleans!
2. Visit the dog park at least once a month
3. take a jewelry making class
4. visit my mom more
5. Go to my Dads grave…
6. Fish with my husband
7. take less medication
8. try for a long infusion again to see if it helps, maybe in Vegas?
9. go on walks
10. Go to California and stick my feet in the sand
11. take a cooking class
13. Sell my house
14. Buy a new house
15. Find a home for my bunny
16. Get my Invisalign off!
17. Have a better relationship with my husband
18. Have a better relationship with my kids
19. take kids to zoo, aquarium, or parks??
20. Drive to Portland Oregon and visit with friends and family I haven’t seen in a long time.
21. painting or pottery class?
23. Try canoeing
24. hiking to the falls I liked as a kid
25. spend less
26. save more
27. pay off my debt
28. Do more for our business, and be happy about it:)
29. take more time to build relationships with my friends
30. Take a random road trip somewhere new…
32. panning for gold
33. stop being afraid of going out in public
34. Keep up on emails
35. Get a camper and drive cross country
36. Mani Pedi
38. Do something for someone else
39. eat out at one of my favorite restaurants
40. Go to a State I haven’t been yet!!!
43. read at least one book a month (even if my head hurts)
44. collect more records
45. Stay in a hotel, just because
46. once a week call a random family member just to catch up…
47. mend broken relationships, at least the ones that can be fixed.
48. Buy something that I have always wanted, even if I don’t know what it is yet?
49. take some classes to get out of the house
50. Make it out to Alaska! To the Kenai
Extras (just incase I want to switch out my top 50 or do more:) Every day I keep thinking of more things I want to do! Or… things that I would rather do than a few things on my list. So here we go with 2015!!!
51. Visit with Friends
52. Blog more
53. ‘pay it Forward’ initiative
54. Watch less TV?? lol
55. Find my Bunny a new home
56. Pray more, or at least remember to give it to god when I try to give up.
57. Get a massage
59. finish painting house, inside and out
Every day I feel like I have someone sitting on my chest
I cant breath…
Everything going on in our life is a mess
How can I fix it, how can I make it right?
I am so tired of Doctor appointments
I am so tired of lawyers
I am so tired of losing my friend and not understanding why
I hate that I wake up everyday in pain just to live through the day to wake up the next day in pain
I want a plan…
Can I have a do over? Is it to late
Wake up tomorrow and just change my life. Change the way I live, the way I act, the things I do, become a whole different person? Maybe if I dislike the way things are going now I need to reset my life. My husbands life, my kids life.
now its crazy meds talking… I just know I cant live the rest of my life like this. I have to change something, anything. HELP!!!
You would think I would have learned by now…
Wednesday, Thursday I rush, clean my house, get all my work done (use all my spoons) so Friday I can relax.
Saturday, Sunday expecting to enjoy the weekend
What happens every time?
The Friday Migraine…
Sick all day, all night!
Wake up Saturday late feeling hung over from meds feeling like I cant and wont do anything!
What a waist of multiple days of my life!
Oh, and while I slept my kids and husband trashed my clean house!!!