Someday

Today is not someday. Today is the day you are 15. Today is the day you lash out at everything I say. Yell at me, tell me you hate me and I’m the worst mom ever. Today is the day you seem to hate me and everything I do. Today is the day I disappoint you, embarrass you, anger and make you sad.

Someday you will realize everything I’ve ever done was out of love. Someday you will know that you are my world. Someday you will know I fought for you, for you to be my child! Someday you will realize you are my everything.

But today is not someday. We have to live with today.

Its been a long time

As my nerves in my body prick me like needles I sit here thinking how things used to be.

I get sick sometimes, these things happen and I don’t expect much. Hell I prefer to be left alone

But… you of all people. You know I am in pain, you know what I am going through and you just don’t care anymore.

I wonder if it is the years of growing up seeing me like this you have given up caring? Or is it that you have found someone else more deserving of your time and affection?

Maybe it’s me? Maybe I am the one giving up and giving into the pain. Letting myself drown in it.

I wish for things to go back to the way they were or even better, pain free!

 

I think it’s the cold talking?

Maybe I am going a bit crazy or the fact that I am sick and I am tired of being sick. I already have chronic pain and then to have this three week “cold” on top of it has pushed me over the edge. My Dr. today tested me for whooping cough of all things. I just about died… Of course I am allergic to the DPT vaccine so when he tells me it looks like and sounds like I have it and need to be tested for it I scrunch into a ball and say NOOOOOOOOO!

Next came the horrible test where he tries to stick 6 inch Q-tips down my nose. I have to laugh at this because he tried and I swatted his hand away. So we tried again with this time getting in only a little further. He looked at me like I was a bit crazy and said we needed to do a bit better. So we tried again. Well, after about a half dozen times trying we were done. With one side!

I don’t understand what was wrong with me today? I have been poked and prodded for years because of my brain disorder but today the thought of something going up my nose was not going to happen. I should have been stronger and told my brain that I needed to do what ever I had to, to stop coughing. To stop being sick…

 

Throwing In The Towel

I have never been one to look at others and judge. You know the type who live their life feeling as if they are above everyone else. I have however never understood anyone wanting to walk away from their family. Just up and walk away. You read stories where they look happy, normal family, picket fence type and one day she just gets in her car and drives off into the sunset never to come back. Husband wondering why? Kids wondering what they did wrong? I have never thought much about any of this. Up until about a month ago and then it increasingly gets worse. My husband and my children, they need me… right???

Lately I have felt so alone. Maybe it is because they are older now and they don’t need me as much as they used to. Not only that but they push me away, say harsh things that I would have never said to my mother. But I also was raised by a single mother who we respected more than anything in this world. My children must not respect me anymore. Is that it, they don’t respect me?

I have resorted to locking myself in my room or leaving for a few hours because I just do not know what to do. I am tired of feeling alone when I am surrounded by people. I am tired of being told that I am hated by the people that are supposed to love me the most. I am tired of living this life, this ONE life that God gave me to live… like this.

Something has to change.

Imperfections

From the dark circles under my eyes

to the weight that goes straight to my thighs

My stringy hair, with that hint of gray

My memory less and less with everyday

Those unforgiving “old spots” on my face,

Somedays I would give anything to just erase!

Each and every imperfection makes me unique

Makes me who I am. Take your imperfections each of you

Find something you like about them, I dare you to.

Why Mock Me

Does it make you feel better to put me down? You pretend to support me and tell me you want me to get out in the world and try new things but when it comes down to it all you do is belittle me, make me feel stupid. You mock me! Why? I have finally come up with a new way to get out of my box. Instead of watching others live I want to live. Does it scare you? When I decide I wanted to start this new journey in my life I promised myself I would not allow anything or anyone to get in my way. You will not get in my way. Get onboard and enjoy the ride or jump off and watch from a far. Either way you will not effect the way I feel about myself. Or stop me from trying new things in life. Life is to short!

When Life Was Simple…

So thats a joke… Life has never been simple. Life has never been easy. If it was I guess it wouldn’t be worth living, right? Some days I wish were easier, some days it would be nice to have nothing going on but I do not get to choose what happens in my day. So much has happened in my life that I have to hold inside. Someday I will burst… I may not be able to control my past, present or future but what I can do is control how I deal with it! How I look at life and the situations I am in can be dealt with in either a positive manner or I can just be grumpy about everything. Its easier said then done sometimes but I would rather talk about it, get my feelings out and try to be positive rather than holding it all in and just be negative all the time. All I see when I look around me is anger, frustration, and sadness. How did we get to this point? How do we get back to where we were? Faith, Hope, and Love…

You Can’t Break Me

I know your tactics. How you like to scare people or threaten them. You will never take away my free speech, you will never take away my happiness! Coming into my property and breaking into my vehicles, steeling from me. What does that prove? That you are pathetic and have no respect for your life.

I live in the light of the lord, you will never take my smile or happiness away. Even though you desperately try. Stop stalking me, Stop spending your life revolved around me. I want nothing to do with you. “crazy” person.

Today is another day spent with my family doing amazing things with amazing people! I couldn’t be happier today! Hope everyone else is having a great day as well:)

Funny thing about freedom of speech… You Don’t Own It!!

images

I may not like what you have to say. You may not like what I have to say but that is the beauty of being FREE!! Say what you want! What I won’t do is spread lies and talk poorly of others. Not only does that make you look like a shitty person when you act like that, why would you take time out of your life to make people feel bad about themselves? Spend time bringing people up in life! Make it a goal to do something positive even if it reaching out to one person a day to say something nice! I guarantee people will start taking the time out of their life to reach out to you! If enough of us do it emagine what could happen?