Why Mock Me

Does it make you feel better to put me down? You pretend to support me and tell me you want me to get out in the world and try new things but when it comes down to it all you do is belittle me, make me feel stupid. You mock me! Why? I have finally come up with a new way to get out of my box. Instead of watching others live I want to live. Does it scare you? When I decide I wanted to start this new journey in my life I promised myself I would not allow anything or anyone to get in my way. You will not get in my way. Get onboard and enjoy the ride or jump off and watch from a far. Either way you will not effect the way I feel about myself. Or stop me from trying new things in life. Life is to short!

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Stocker Much?

Trying to make a living, trying to work hard to raise our family and have a good life for ourselves. Instead of being happy for us certain people keep trying to bring us down. Why spend energy that could be positively spent on your own life instead is taken out negatively on my life. It infuriates me that people can not get their own fucking life. Stop obsessing about mine and what I have. Go get your own. You want it? Go work for it. But i’ll be damned if I will let you just walk in and take what we worked so hard to build.

Today was another example of somebody who lives with jealousy. It sickens me how they let it overcome them and lets it run their life. I wont allow it to be a part of mine. You come around and try to show that you are bigger than what you are. Your nothing… You mean nothing.

I could handle this better if this was all about me but when it involves someone I love it brings out a rage in me. All I see is red. I will always fight for the ones I love, till the day I die.

Please help!!

If you have children or not you know that you were once a teenager.

You made poor decisions, disobeyed your parents or maybe even broke a few laws?

What ever it may be…

What I am asking today is help. Plain and simple. I know as a teenager I made mistakes, I disobeyed my mom, maybe even broke a few laws but what I never really did was disrespect my mom. If I ever crossed that line I made sure to go to my mom and make sure she knew how much I loved her, how much I needed her, how much she ment to me.

Where did I go wrong? My son is disrespectful, rude, the way he talks down to me and to his sister is so dicgusting I can’t handle it. All I have ever tried to show him is love, anything he needs, wants he gets.

I don’t understand… I cant live this way. I already live in pain everyday of my life and to have him treat me the way he does on top of it I cant handle anymore. I have to fix it or…

Week from Hell… No Just another week on earth

Every day I feel like I have someone sitting on my chest

I cant breath… 

Everything going on in our life is a mess

How can I fix it, how can I make it right? 

I am so tired of Doctor appointments

I am so tired of lawyers

I am so tired of losing my friend and not understanding why

I hate that I wake up everyday in pain just to live through the day to wake up the next day in pain

I want a plan… 

Can I have a do over? Is it to late

Wake up tomorrow and just change my life. Change the way I live, the way I act, the things I do, become a whole different person? Maybe if I dislike the way things are going now I need to reset my life. My husbands life, my kids life. 

now its crazy meds talking… I just know I cant live the rest of my life like this. I have to change something, anything. HELP!!! 

Spoons in my coffee??

My kids have been asking allot of me lately. I mean ALLOT…

My son comes home from school today and starts in on me about a play at school he has to go to, he has to get flowers for a girl he likes, what time he needs to leave, how much money he wants, on and on and on…

I look at him with a very blank look and just say No. I am all out of spoons! You guys have used them all up. I have nothing else to give today. Im tired, cranky, please leave me alone…

He walks away.

I hear some clanking in the other room. A few minutes later my son comes back with a cup of coffee and a cup of spoons and a HUGE grin on his face.

He says “Look mom, all your spoons are back and coffee to make you happy”

I had to smile at that! What a thoughtful yet funny thing for him to do.

My Greatest Loss

In the spirit of sharing.. Something I have never opened up about. The loss of my father

The first week of February I went out to dinner with my step mom (Diane) my and and my two kids. The food was good the company was even better. Who knew that would be the last meal I would have with my dad, the last time I heard him say “I love you.” The next morning I get a call from Diane that my dad collapsed at work and was being rushed to the hospital. 

I jumped in my car, called my siblings, get to the hospital and we wait. I see the ambulance pull in. I ran outside and I see them pulling my dad out of the ambulance on a stretcher, not breathing on his own. We go back in and we wait. Scared and unsure what was going on.

We go in to see him, it smells of death everywhere. He is in a medical induced coma. They are running tests to see if he is even still inside , alive. He has tubes down his throat for him to breath. His stomach pumping up and down with each breath forced into his lungs. I remember sitting there with my sister telling him “Daddy, your girls are here for you, we love you so much! Please wake up and come back o us.”

It was so emotional with each person talking to him, with every look at him, with every thought of loosing him.

We waited almost a week. Waited while they ran tests. While we prayed, stayed by his bed side. The smell of death in the air. We waited. We couldn’t leave him. Until the choice had to be made. We had to  make the choice, and we made it.

Everyone said what they needed to say, we prayed, we gathered together and all at once the machine went off. The pumping stopped… The beeping stopped… He took one last deep breath and then stopped. I fell to the ground in disbelief …

My Daddy was dead