This is what I have to remind myself each day. Take a moment… Even if it is just that. A moment for myself, a moment to relax, breath, stop working, stressing about life. Take a moment to just be in this moment right now. The last few days I have let my life get to me. With the business and with stress at home. I can hold it together for so long but by the time it gets dark it seems like I start to unravel. Fall apart… I need to pull myself back together. Not just for me but for everyone around me. Patience, Understanding, Love, Confidence, Creativity, Those are the attributes I want people to see when they look at me not pain, sadness, anger, frustration, or even at times hopeless.
Trying to make a living, trying to work hard to raise our family and have a good life for ourselves. Instead of being happy for us certain people keep trying to bring us down. Why spend energy that could be positively spent on your own life instead is taken out negatively on my life. It infuriates me that people can not get their own fucking life. Stop obsessing about mine and what I have. Go get your own. You want it? Go work for it. But i’ll be damned if I will let you just walk in and take what we worked so hard to build.
Today was another example of somebody who lives with jealousy. It sickens me how they let it overcome them and lets it run their life. I wont allow it to be a part of mine. You come around and try to show that you are bigger than what you are. Your nothing… You mean nothing.
I could handle this better if this was all about me but when it involves someone I love it brings out a rage in me. All I see is red. I will always fight for the ones I love, till the day I die.
I grew up with nothing but family and love
Now I have all the comforts of living
But pain and suffering daily
What I would pay
For a pain free day
Even just one day free from all of my pain…
If you have children or not you know that you were once a teenager.
You made poor decisions, disobeyed your parents or maybe even broke a few laws?
What ever it may be…
What I am asking today is help. Plain and simple. I know as a teenager I made mistakes, I disobeyed my mom, maybe even broke a few laws but what I never really did was disrespect my mom. If I ever crossed that line I made sure to go to my mom and make sure she knew how much I loved her, how much I needed her, how much she ment to me.
Where did I go wrong? My son is disrespectful, rude, the way he talks down to me and to his sister is so dicgusting I can’t handle it. All I have ever tried to show him is love, anything he needs, wants he gets.
I don’t understand… I cant live this way. I already live in pain everyday of my life and to have him treat me the way he does on top of it I cant handle anymore. I have to fix it or…
Pat and I will have been married 15 years on the 21st of November.
The Crystal Anniversary! We both got a good laugh at that. Looked at some cheesy gifts for when we celebrate but none of that matters. Looking back at all the years, what we have gone through to build up to 15 years. All of our memories. I would like to share just a few very special with you today.
We met in high school. He looked across the room at me and we both knew “Love at first sight” He asked if he could drive me home after talking for a few days. After a week of rides and talking he asked me out on our first date.
Having little money. We drove to Seattle parked the truck and walked onto a Ferry. We went back and forth until we decided (very late) one more time back to Bainbridge and then we need to get home. Well… We did not know the Ferry stopped for the night in Bainbridge. We were stuck, no truck, no money. We walked around until we found some shelter from the cold and rain. He kept me warm and safe. We talked until morning about anything. About everything…
Our next date he took me to Snoqualmie water falls. We walked over to the falls, holding hands. He looked into my eyes and said “I am going to Marry you some day”. Of course me being me laughed in his face.. Told him he was full of shit and walked away. He chased me down grabbed me and held me close. Insisted that some day I would be his wife. At that moment he had me.
It took me awhile to bring him home to meet the family (I never brought home boyfriends!! Older brothers and all) But I could tell it bothered him. One day he drove me home from school and he asked when he would get to come in and meet my family. “Well, today is as good as any day”. My family loved him! Took him right in.
One thing about Pat. He was out on his own at this time. He lived with friends couch hopping or in his car. He had been on his own for a long time. He ended up moving in with me a few months later. My mom knew she couldn’t keep us apart and she wasn’t willing to try.
A year later I find out I am pregnant… (still in high school) Being chicken shit one of my friends goes and buys the test for me. I am able to tell Pat and my mom. Everyone else has to find out one way or another.
A few weeks later he takes me out on the same Ferry we road on our first date. he wraps his arms around me real tight and without even knowing he slips a ring on my finger… As he turns to kneel down I grab him and say Yes, Yes, Yes!!! Ill marry you!
15 years ago I married my high school sweetheart
I married my soul mate
I married the father of my children
The love of my life
Im not sure if Funny is the right word to use. Amusing? Or interesting…
Just a few feelings I have right now.
As I no longer can wear my mask all the time friends are seeing me in pain.
For who I am today. Still me Just a pain filled me.
Its Funny the friends I thought would be in my life are far gone.
Some others have one foot out the door.
Others call out of the blue to make sure I am OK.
Ask me out to coffee, or just want to chat…
Realizing the friends lost and made after being sick is life changing. It still shocks me when friends that know what I am going through think I should be able to do things I just cant. I cant get up and leave the house anytime I want, I cant drive every day, I cant make plans ahead of time. Why might you ask? Because I will most likely have to cancel them because I get to sick to actually leave my house. When I do leave my house I hurt so bad I want/need to get home as soon as I can.
I try to depend on others as little as possible. Less chance of getting hurt. All I ask of my friends is honesty, love, communication. Why some of my friends live with completely other beliefs. But I guess maybe they weren’t friends in the first place…
My appointment is set for march 13th with a specialist at UW. She is in the headache clinic and right now is working with people with Arnold Chiari! Feel blessed to get in with her but scared at the same time. For anyone that deals with a brain disorder or daily pain, waiting months can seem forever. My neurologist has upped my topamax to 200mg daily added muscle relaxers to my pain meds, sleeping meds, nausea meds, maxalt.
I start my third round of Botox in a few weeks. Haven’t really noticed much from the first two rounds but was told by my neurologist to not expect much until the 4th round of treatment. Crossing fingers that something works.. I’ve had a few surgeries, medical procedures, and lots of meds but so far nothing has clicked for my daily headache, multiple migraines a week. So much pressure..
It will be interesting to see what happens over the next few months for me. How I will keep this pain to my self and live my life, raise my children, be a good wife, run a business, oh.. Keep a clean house and cant forget about the most important things. Cooking meals and LAUNDRY!! Try to smile while doing it because no one wants to see me in pain, sad, or angry. The mask must go on for a few more months.
I would love to hear how other people do it. Even if you don’t have Adult Onset Arnold Chiari, or a brain disorder at all. If life is just rough. How do you make it through some days?