Someday

Today is not someday. Today is the day you are 15. Today is the day you lash out at everything I say. Yell at me, tell me you hate me and I’m the worst mom ever. Today is the day you seem to hate me and everything I do. Today is the day I disappoint you, embarrass you, anger and make you sad.

Someday you will realize everything I’ve ever done was out of love. Someday you will know that you are my world. Someday you will know I fought for you, for you to be my child! Someday you will realize you are my everything.

But today is not someday. We have to live with today.

Its been a long time

As my nerves in my body prick me like needles I sit here thinking how things used to be.

I get sick sometimes, these things happen and I don’t expect much. Hell I prefer to be left alone

But… you of all people. You know I am in pain, you know what I am going through and you just don’t care anymore.

I wonder if it is the years of growing up seeing me like this you have given up caring? Or is it that you have found someone else more deserving of your time and affection?

Maybe it’s me? Maybe I am the one giving up and giving into the pain. Letting myself drown in it.

I wish for things to go back to the way they were or even better, pain free!

 

I think it’s the cold talking?

Maybe I am going a bit crazy or the fact that I am sick and I am tired of being sick. I already have chronic pain and then to have this three week “cold” on top of it has pushed me over the edge. My Dr. today tested me for whooping cough of all things. I just about died… Of course I am allergic to the DPT vaccine so when he tells me it looks like and sounds like I have it and need to be tested for it I scrunch into a ball and say NOOOOOOOOO!

Next came the horrible test where he tries to stick 6 inch Q-tips down my nose. I have to laugh at this because he tried and I swatted his hand away. So we tried again with this time getting in only a little further. He looked at me like I was a bit crazy and said we needed to do a bit better. So we tried again. Well, after about a half dozen times trying we were done. With one side!

I don’t understand what was wrong with me today? I have been poked and prodded for years because of my brain disorder but today the thought of something going up my nose was not going to happen. I should have been stronger and told my brain that I needed to do what ever I had to, to stop coughing. To stop being sick…

 

Throwing In The Towel

I have never been one to look at others and judge. You know the type who live their life feeling as if they are above everyone else. I have however never understood anyone wanting to walk away from their family. Just up and walk away. You read stories where they look happy, normal family, picket fence type and one day she just gets in her car and drives off into the sunset never to come back. Husband wondering why? Kids wondering what they did wrong? I have never thought much about any of this. Up until about a month ago and then it increasingly gets worse. My husband and my children, they need me… right???

Lately I have felt so alone. Maybe it is because they are older now and they don’t need me as much as they used to. Not only that but they push me away, say harsh things that I would have never said to my mother. But I also was raised by a single mother who we respected more than anything in this world. My children must not respect me anymore. Is that it, they don’t respect me?

I have resorted to locking myself in my room or leaving for a few hours because I just do not know what to do. I am tired of feeling alone when I am surrounded by people. I am tired of being told that I am hated by the people that are supposed to love me the most. I am tired of living this life, this ONE life that God gave me to live… like this.

Something has to change.

Week from Hell… No Just another week on earth

Every day I feel like I have someone sitting on my chest

I cant breath… 

Everything going on in our life is a mess

How can I fix it, how can I make it right? 

I am so tired of Doctor appointments

I am so tired of lawyers

I am so tired of losing my friend and not understanding why

I hate that I wake up everyday in pain just to live through the day to wake up the next day in pain

I want a plan… 

Can I have a do over? Is it to late

Wake up tomorrow and just change my life. Change the way I live, the way I act, the things I do, become a whole different person? Maybe if I dislike the way things are going now I need to reset my life. My husbands life, my kids life. 

now its crazy meds talking… I just know I cant live the rest of my life like this. I have to change something, anything. HELP!!! 

Just Breath…

My chest gets tight
My head, its hurting
I look at you, so little
and your in pain…

Why? Why must this happen
Your not supposed to be like me
your supposed to live
live pain free

No worries, Happy life
No pain…
I wish I could kiss it all away
Pray it gone

If I could I would take it all away. I would rather have your pain then see you cry… I love you my little girl

The women with the tattoo

Sitting, dazed at a meeting 

I look over at a women with a tattoo

Nothing special, just a flower on her ankle 

I started thinking of all the things I haven’t done

One being a Tattoo… 

I then started thinking about my appointment March 13th

Wondering if and when I will have brain surgery

My mind started to wonder, should I start living? 

Truly living… 

My first heart attack…

Today was a very interesting experience 

Progressively I started to have chest pain sharp, then dull, tight

Making it impossible to breath 

My first thought I was having an anxiety attack 

But, about what? 

Im not really upset about anything. Very odd…

Then the pain started to move down my arm, my neck

Everything  started getting really tight… 

I attempted to make a doctor  appointment

After speaking with the doctor and nurse who told me to hang up and go straight to the ER

WHAT? Did I hear you clear? “Yes, I believe you are having a heart attack.” 

“Me, I’m only 32. I can’t be having a heart attack”

 

So.. I live in a world of denial. It’s not going to happen if I don’t allow it to or it will just go away. 

After I hung up I jumped in my car,continued with the work I needed to do today 

Then I went to my therapy appointment…

Which she wasn’t very happy with seeing as I looked like death and was curled in a ball 

It was only then did I leave and drive to the hospital 

 

Once i got there they rushed me in, hooked me up and started the tests 

EKG, full blood work up multiple chest X-rays, and what ever tests I did not listen to

Guess what… Just like I told them in the first place… 

I was not having a heart attack. Surprise!!!!! 

Instead I have an inflamation  in the wall of my chest with chest contusion. 

Question of the day??? How did I bruise the wall of my chest? 

I know I have a brain disorder. I know I forget a lot. But… 

I think I would remember bruising the wall of my chest. 

* BTW this is in the top ten most painful experiences of my life. I do believe this is how a heartattack feels and it sucks assssssssss just saying

Also takes a few days for the  inflammation to go down 

Spinal Taps Anyone?!?!

 Its been about a year now since one of the worst days of my life. I can tell you I have been through some crazy shit in my life! Not to mention Daily Pain!! But… when my neurologist and I start twiddling our thumbs and come up with something else that just might work, just might be the answer. I say “Lets do it, It cant be worse then what I am already dealing with every day of my life!” So that is where the spinal tap comes in. We thought it would be good to see what level my spinal fluid was at in my brain. I thought, why not! I’ve had to babies and both times had an epidural. Same thing, right? Wrong! 

I go to the Hospital, Lay down, a big TV screen so I can watch. (more for him, but it was in my face) He warns me that the lidocaine  he is going to use on my back doesn’t have a buffer because they ran out and could only use the good stuff on children so suck it up. When I asked if people could get put under anesthesia? He said thats absurd! He was almost upset sounding when I asked. 

My mom had to wait behind the glass. the nurse held my hand. I laid very still. Tears streaming down my face. Trying not to scream out in pain. The needles start going in one after another. Then he starts the spinal tap. I can feel it but I am not going to say anything. Tears still running down my face… 

After he is done I get the instructions from the nurse. My mom drives me home. The look on her face. Kills me to this day. I get home and it hits me… The spinal headache. Of course, I am going to get the spinal headache! I start taking meds. Nothing works. So now my spine hurts, I am vomiting and the worse headache ever!! I call the Dr and he tells me to try and make it through the night. My mom gives me some pain meds, sleeping pills. I take everything.. She wouldn’t leave the rest knowing I would over dose. Guess what, I would have! 

The next day I tried all day, I waited and waited and it wouldn’t go away. So I called my mom and she brought me back to the hospital. Now the Dr was really pissed. He was going to miss his Daughters recital because of me. Well maybe he should have done it right the first time? Now he gives me a blood patch.. So gross! They take blood from my arm and inject it in my spine below the hole in my back that is leaking fluid. A blood patch.

Guess if it worked… Nope! It actually caused extreme lower back pain and I was on bed rest for a WEEK! Plus the spinal headache was still going on. 

The first and only time in my life that I prayed to just die! For an entire week! When I am in pain I will pray to get better or focus on something else but the pain was so bad. So intense and nothing they could do. I just wanted to die. I couldn’t even think about my children, my husband, my family. All I could think about was Please end this pain. 

Every time since when My neurologist and I sit down and start coming up with “the next great plan” We leave out spinal tap! 

*BTW My levels were three times higher then normal but not high enough to where he thought I needed surgery at the time. Thankful for that