As my nerves in my body prick me like needles I sit here thinking how things used to be.
I get sick sometimes, these things happen and I don’t expect much. Hell I prefer to be left alone
But… you of all people. You know I am in pain, you know what I am going through and you just don’t care anymore.
I wonder if it is the years of growing up seeing me like this you have given up caring? Or is it that you have found someone else more deserving of your time and affection?
Maybe it’s me? Maybe I am the one giving up and giving into the pain. Letting myself drown in it.
I wish for things to go back to the way they were or even better, pain free!
I have never been one to look at others and judge. You know the type who live their life feeling as if they are above everyone else. I have however never understood anyone wanting to walk away from their family. Just up and walk away. You read stories where they look happy, normal family, picket fence type and one day she just gets in her car and drives off into the sunset never to come back. Husband wondering why? Kids wondering what they did wrong? I have never thought much about any of this. Up until about a month ago and then it increasingly gets worse. My husband and my children, they need me… right???
Lately I have felt so alone. Maybe it is because they are older now and they don’t need me as much as they used to. Not only that but they push me away, say harsh things that I would have never said to my mother. But I also was raised by a single mother who we respected more than anything in this world. My children must not respect me anymore. Is that it, they don’t respect me?
I have resorted to locking myself in my room or leaving for a few hours because I just do not know what to do. I am tired of feeling alone when I am surrounded by people. I am tired of being told that I am hated by the people that are supposed to love me the most. I am tired of living this life, this ONE life that God gave me to live… like this.
Something has to change.
This is what I have to remind myself each day. Take a moment… Even if it is just that. A moment for myself, a moment to relax, breath, stop working, stressing about life. Take a moment to just be in this moment right now. The last few days I have let my life get to me. With the business and with stress at home. I can hold it together for so long but by the time it gets dark it seems like I start to unravel. Fall apart… I need to pull myself back together. Not just for me but for everyone around me. Patience, Understanding, Love, Confidence, Creativity, Those are the attributes I want people to see when they look at me not pain, sadness, anger, frustration, or even at times hopeless.
I grew up with nothing but family and love
Now I have all the comforts of living
But pain and suffering daily
What I would pay
For a pain free day
Even just one day free from all of my pain…
If you have children or not you know that you were once a teenager.
You made poor decisions, disobeyed your parents or maybe even broke a few laws?
What ever it may be…
What I am asking today is help. Plain and simple. I know as a teenager I made mistakes, I disobeyed my mom, maybe even broke a few laws but what I never really did was disrespect my mom. If I ever crossed that line I made sure to go to my mom and make sure she knew how much I loved her, how much I needed her, how much she ment to me.
Where did I go wrong? My son is disrespectful, rude, the way he talks down to me and to his sister is so dicgusting I can’t handle it. All I have ever tried to show him is love, anything he needs, wants he gets.
I don’t understand… I cant live this way. I already live in pain everyday of my life and to have him treat me the way he does on top of it I cant handle anymore. I have to fix it or…
Every day I feel like I have someone sitting on my chest
I cant breath…
Everything going on in our life is a mess
How can I fix it, how can I make it right?
I am so tired of Doctor appointments
I am so tired of lawyers
I am so tired of losing my friend and not understanding why
I hate that I wake up everyday in pain just to live through the day to wake up the next day in pain
I want a plan…
Can I have a do over? Is it to late
Wake up tomorrow and just change my life. Change the way I live, the way I act, the things I do, become a whole different person? Maybe if I dislike the way things are going now I need to reset my life. My husbands life, my kids life.
now its crazy meds talking… I just know I cant live the rest of my life like this. I have to change something, anything. HELP!!!
My chest gets tight
My head, its hurting
I look at you, so little
and your in pain…
Why? Why must this happen
Your not supposed to be like me
your supposed to live
live pain free
No worries, Happy life
I wish I could kiss it all away
Pray it gone
If I could I would take it all away. I would rather have your pain then see you cry… I love you my little girl