Its been a long time

As my nerves in my body prick me like needles I sit here thinking how things used to be.

I get sick sometimes, these things happen and I don’t expect much. Hell I prefer to be left alone

But… you of all people. You know I am in pain, you know what I am going through and you just don’t care anymore.

I wonder if it is the years of growing up seeing me like this you have given up caring? Or is it that you have found someone else more deserving of your time and affection?

Maybe it’s me? Maybe I am the one giving up and giving into the pain. Letting myself drown in it.

I wish for things to go back to the way they were or even better, pain free!

 

Throwing In The Towel

I have never been one to look at others and judge. You know the type who live their life feeling as if they are above everyone else. I have however never understood anyone wanting to walk away from their family. Just up and walk away. You read stories where they look happy, normal family, picket fence type and one day she just gets in her car and drives off into the sunset never to come back. Husband wondering why? Kids wondering what they did wrong? I have never thought much about any of this. Up until about a month ago and then it increasingly gets worse. My husband and my children, they need me… right???

Lately I have felt so alone. Maybe it is because they are older now and they don’t need me as much as they used to. Not only that but they push me away, say harsh things that I would have never said to my mother. But I also was raised by a single mother who we respected more than anything in this world. My children must not respect me anymore. Is that it, they don’t respect me?

I have resorted to locking myself in my room or leaving for a few hours because I just do not know what to do. I am tired of feeling alone when I am surrounded by people. I am tired of being told that I am hated by the people that are supposed to love me the most. I am tired of living this life, this ONE life that God gave me to live… like this.

Something has to change.

Take a moment

This is what I have to remind myself each day. Take a moment… Even if it is just that. A moment for myself, a moment to relax, breath, stop working, stressing about life. Take a moment to just be in this moment right now. The last few days I have let my life get to me. With the business and with stress at home. I can hold it together for so long but by the time it gets dark it seems like I start to unravel. Fall apart… I need to pull myself back together. Not just for me but for everyone around me. Patience, Understanding, Love, Confidence, Creativity, Those are the attributes I want people to see when they look at me not pain, sadness, anger, frustration, or even at times hopeless.

Please help!!

If you have children or not you know that you were once a teenager.

You made poor decisions, disobeyed your parents or maybe even broke a few laws?

What ever it may be…

What I am asking today is help. Plain and simple. I know as a teenager I made mistakes, I disobeyed my mom, maybe even broke a few laws but what I never really did was disrespect my mom. If I ever crossed that line I made sure to go to my mom and make sure she knew how much I loved her, how much I needed her, how much she ment to me.

Where did I go wrong? My son is disrespectful, rude, the way he talks down to me and to his sister is so dicgusting I can’t handle it. All I have ever tried to show him is love, anything he needs, wants he gets.

I don’t understand… I cant live this way. I already live in pain everyday of my life and to have him treat me the way he does on top of it I cant handle anymore. I have to fix it or…

Week from Hell… No Just another week on earth

Every day I feel like I have someone sitting on my chest

I cant breath… 

Everything going on in our life is a mess

How can I fix it, how can I make it right? 

I am so tired of Doctor appointments

I am so tired of lawyers

I am so tired of losing my friend and not understanding why

I hate that I wake up everyday in pain just to live through the day to wake up the next day in pain

I want a plan… 

Can I have a do over? Is it to late

Wake up tomorrow and just change my life. Change the way I live, the way I act, the things I do, become a whole different person? Maybe if I dislike the way things are going now I need to reset my life. My husbands life, my kids life. 

now its crazy meds talking… I just know I cant live the rest of my life like this. I have to change something, anything. HELP!!! 

Just Breath…

My chest gets tight
My head, its hurting
I look at you, so little
and your in pain…

Why? Why must this happen
Your not supposed to be like me
your supposed to live
live pain free

No worries, Happy life
No pain…
I wish I could kiss it all away
Pray it gone

If I could I would take it all away. I would rather have your pain then see you cry… I love you my little girl

live without regrets?

I try to live without regrets but after my lapse of judgment, my break of sanity this weekend. My rants on “You know who” I just feel guilty… Why do I feel guilty? All I did was get my feelings out for once. Rather than keep them bottled up inside with no one to talk to.

But now I feel like I have made this place not about me. More about her… I just want to erase everything. I just wish I could go back in time and never have met her… Life would have been so much easier. Nicer in a way.

My Sally

People come into our life at the time we need them the most 

Stop looking, shut your eyes, it will happen

It might even be someone you wouldn’t expect

I just lost one of my very best friends and with her she tried to ruin my marriage. Along with that I was feeling alone, sick, in pain, and very confused.

Out of nowhere I get an email from Sally… My elderly neighbor. She had heard that I was having some health problems and offered to watch my daughter and help out anytime I needed her. She had Migraines when she was my age. Knew how hard it was to raise children while she was in so much pain.

Weeks have gone by and I have thought about Sally. I have a Dr. appointment today for my third round of Botox, yesterday I spent the entire day in the ER and I feel like crud. I called Sally. She was so loving, so caring and wanted to know how she could help. She would love to watch Issa for me and she already has crafts planned. Suggested different meds that her and her daughter had used in the past. The entire talk was so uplifting. 

I decided everyone with chronic pain needs their own Sally. Find someone in your life that knows what you are going through. That can talk to you and truly know how it feels! Only someone who has gone through it, experienced it can truly understand. 

Thats my Sally 

My first heart attack…

Today was a very interesting experience 

Progressively I started to have chest pain sharp, then dull, tight

Making it impossible to breath 

My first thought I was having an anxiety attack 

But, about what? 

Im not really upset about anything. Very odd…

Then the pain started to move down my arm, my neck

Everything  started getting really tight… 

I attempted to make a doctor  appointment

After speaking with the doctor and nurse who told me to hang up and go straight to the ER

WHAT? Did I hear you clear? “Yes, I believe you are having a heart attack.” 

“Me, I’m only 32. I can’t be having a heart attack”

 

So.. I live in a world of denial. It’s not going to happen if I don’t allow it to or it will just go away. 

After I hung up I jumped in my car,continued with the work I needed to do today 

Then I went to my therapy appointment…

Which she wasn’t very happy with seeing as I looked like death and was curled in a ball 

It was only then did I leave and drive to the hospital 

 

Once i got there they rushed me in, hooked me up and started the tests 

EKG, full blood work up multiple chest X-rays, and what ever tests I did not listen to

Guess what… Just like I told them in the first place… 

I was not having a heart attack. Surprise!!!!! 

Instead I have an inflamation  in the wall of my chest with chest contusion. 

Question of the day??? How did I bruise the wall of my chest? 

I know I have a brain disorder. I know I forget a lot. But… 

I think I would remember bruising the wall of my chest. 

* BTW this is in the top ten most painful experiences of my life. I do believe this is how a heartattack feels and it sucks assssssssss just saying

Also takes a few days for the  inflammation to go down