A feeling that something was about to change, and I am not the only one.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. Not unusual but I was at the point that I almost got up and started writing about it. It was weird, as if life was going to change? But nothing had… I couldn’t shake the feeling as if something was going to happen and I couldn’t stop it. My mom calls my son today and tells him that she woke up at 1am and started praying for him, about him. That she is worried about him, asking if everything with him is ok? I have not called my mom yet to talk with her. I guess I wanted sometime to get my own feelings out because I have had such a weird feeling lately and I just can’t pin point it. Maybe its the fact that I am 16 years in on raising my son and he keeps pointing out only two years to go. He needs to stop. Even when he is 18, even when he goes to College, even when he moves out or gets married and has babies of his own he will always be MY baby!! I have strong faith that everything will be ok. It was just an unusual feeling.

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Spinal Taps Anyone?!?!

 Its been about a year now since one of the worst days of my life. I can tell you I have been through some crazy shit in my life! Not to mention Daily Pain!! But… when my neurologist and I start twiddling our thumbs and come up with something else that just might work, just might be the answer. I say “Lets do it, It cant be worse then what I am already dealing with every day of my life!” So that is where the spinal tap comes in. We thought it would be good to see what level my spinal fluid was at in my brain. I thought, why not! I’ve had to babies and both times had an epidural. Same thing, right? Wrong! 

I go to the Hospital, Lay down, a big TV screen so I can watch. (more for him, but it was in my face) He warns me that the lidocaine  he is going to use on my back doesn’t have a buffer because they ran out and could only use the good stuff on children so suck it up. When I asked if people could get put under anesthesia? He said thats absurd! He was almost upset sounding when I asked. 

My mom had to wait behind the glass. the nurse held my hand. I laid very still. Tears streaming down my face. Trying not to scream out in pain. The needles start going in one after another. Then he starts the spinal tap. I can feel it but I am not going to say anything. Tears still running down my face… 

After he is done I get the instructions from the nurse. My mom drives me home. The look on her face. Kills me to this day. I get home and it hits me… The spinal headache. Of course, I am going to get the spinal headache! I start taking meds. Nothing works. So now my spine hurts, I am vomiting and the worse headache ever!! I call the Dr and he tells me to try and make it through the night. My mom gives me some pain meds, sleeping pills. I take everything.. She wouldn’t leave the rest knowing I would over dose. Guess what, I would have! 

The next day I tried all day, I waited and waited and it wouldn’t go away. So I called my mom and she brought me back to the hospital. Now the Dr was really pissed. He was going to miss his Daughters recital because of me. Well maybe he should have done it right the first time? Now he gives me a blood patch.. So gross! They take blood from my arm and inject it in my spine below the hole in my back that is leaking fluid. A blood patch.

Guess if it worked… Nope! It actually caused extreme lower back pain and I was on bed rest for a WEEK! Plus the spinal headache was still going on. 

The first and only time in my life that I prayed to just die! For an entire week! When I am in pain I will pray to get better or focus on something else but the pain was so bad. So intense and nothing they could do. I just wanted to die. I couldn’t even think about my children, my husband, my family. All I could think about was Please end this pain. 

Every time since when My neurologist and I sit down and start coming up with “the next great plan” We leave out spinal tap! 

*BTW My levels were three times higher then normal but not high enough to where he thought I needed surgery at the time. Thankful for that

My Greatest Loss

In the spirit of sharing.. Something I have never opened up about. The loss of my father

The first week of February I went out to dinner with my step mom (Diane) my and and my two kids. The food was good the company was even better. Who knew that would be the last meal I would have with my dad, the last time I heard him say “I love you.” The next morning I get a call from Diane that my dad collapsed at work and was being rushed to the hospital. 

I jumped in my car, called my siblings, get to the hospital and we wait. I see the ambulance pull in. I ran outside and I see them pulling my dad out of the ambulance on a stretcher, not breathing on his own. We go back in and we wait. Scared and unsure what was going on.

We go in to see him, it smells of death everywhere. He is in a medical induced coma. They are running tests to see if he is even still inside , alive. He has tubes down his throat for him to breath. His stomach pumping up and down with each breath forced into his lungs. I remember sitting there with my sister telling him “Daddy, your girls are here for you, we love you so much! Please wake up and come back o us.”

It was so emotional with each person talking to him, with every look at him, with every thought of loosing him.

We waited almost a week. Waited while they ran tests. While we prayed, stayed by his bed side. The smell of death in the air. We waited. We couldn’t leave him. Until the choice had to be made. We had to  make the choice, and we made it.

Everyone said what they needed to say, we prayed, we gathered together and all at once the machine went off. The pumping stopped… The beeping stopped… He took one last deep breath and then stopped. I fell to the ground in disbelief …

My Daddy was dead