Maybe I am going a bit crazy or the fact that I am sick and I am tired of being sick. I already have chronic pain and then to have this three week “cold” on top of it has pushed me over the edge. My Dr. today tested me for whooping cough of all things. I just about died… Of course I am allergic to the DPT vaccine so when he tells me it looks like and sounds like I have it and need to be tested for it I scrunch into a ball and say NOOOOOOOOO!
Next came the horrible test where he tries to stick 6 inch Q-tips down my nose. I have to laugh at this because he tried and I swatted his hand away. So we tried again with this time getting in only a little further. He looked at me like I was a bit crazy and said we needed to do a bit better. So we tried again. Well, after about a half dozen times trying we were done. With one side!
I don’t understand what was wrong with me today? I have been poked and prodded for years because of my brain disorder but today the thought of something going up my nose was not going to happen. I should have been stronger and told my brain that I needed to do what ever I had to, to stop coughing. To stop being sick…
Usually I take a hold of life. I run with it even if I am unable to do much with my day it is still my day. This week, I sit back and look at and it took over me. It is as if everything all the appointments and people around me just took over and had control of what I did and where I had to be. Its kind of frustrating because it almost feels like days I lost or at least parts of days. I know some people will look at that and think that is a bit selfish. At least I had those days, I am alive to live them but being sick most of my days it is hard to have so much time taken away and spent on so many things that I have little to no control on. So frustrating I had no time to even sit down and write or even read one blog this week… Even now I am in the middle of dinner the dog needs to go out I need to get laundry started the kids need to finish homework I need to take my meds before it gets late my cat is bugging me because he is hungry and I am taking the time to sit for 5 minutes to write!!!! I decided I get 5 minutes to myself!
Im not sure if it is my tremors starting something new and I do not want to tell my doctors but under my left eye has started fluttering for almost two weeks now. I think its stress. Lots of stress.. All I need to do is get back to a few minutes a day for myself and it will go away. Some things can not be controlled in life like the flutter under my eye but I can control a few minutes a day for myself. If I don’t how can I be good enough for everyone else around me???
They say knowledge is Power I say its pain
Once you know
You can never erase
I think of you and everything you have done
Makes me sick…
Your not a women
Your not even a person
Your a soulless, heartless, hateful
and I once called you a friend…
People come into our life at the time we need them the most
Stop looking, shut your eyes, it will happen
It might even be someone you wouldn’t expect
I just lost one of my very best friends and with her she tried to ruin my marriage. Along with that I was feeling alone, sick, in pain, and very confused.
Out of nowhere I get an email from Sally… My elderly neighbor. She had heard that I was having some health problems and offered to watch my daughter and help out anytime I needed her. She had Migraines when she was my age. Knew how hard it was to raise children while she was in so much pain.
Weeks have gone by and I have thought about Sally. I have a Dr. appointment today for my third round of Botox, yesterday I spent the entire day in the ER and I feel like crud. I called Sally. She was so loving, so caring and wanted to know how she could help. She would love to watch Issa for me and she already has crafts planned. Suggested different meds that her and her daughter had used in the past. The entire talk was so uplifting.
I decided everyone with chronic pain needs their own Sally. Find someone in your life that knows what you are going through. That can talk to you and truly know how it feels! Only someone who has gone through it, experienced it can truly understand.
Thats my Sally
You would think I would have learned by now…
Wednesday, Thursday I rush, clean my house, get all my work done (use all my spoons) so Friday I can relax.
Saturday, Sunday expecting to enjoy the weekend
What happens every time?
The Friday Migraine…
Sick all day, all night!
Wake up Saturday late feeling hung over from meds feeling like I cant and wont do anything!
What a waist of multiple days of my life!
Oh, and while I slept my kids and husband trashed my clean house!!!
Im not sure if Funny is the right word to use. Amusing? Or interesting…
Just a few feelings I have right now.
As I no longer can wear my mask all the time friends are seeing me in pain.
For who I am today. Still me Just a pain filled me.
Its Funny the friends I thought would be in my life are far gone.
Some others have one foot out the door.
Others call out of the blue to make sure I am OK.
Ask me out to coffee, or just want to chat…
Realizing the friends lost and made after being sick is life changing. It still shocks me when friends that know what I am going through think I should be able to do things I just cant. I cant get up and leave the house anytime I want, I cant drive every day, I cant make plans ahead of time. Why might you ask? Because I will most likely have to cancel them because I get to sick to actually leave my house. When I do leave my house I hurt so bad I want/need to get home as soon as I can.
I try to depend on others as little as possible. Less chance of getting hurt. All I ask of my friends is honesty, love, communication. Why some of my friends live with completely other beliefs. But I guess maybe they weren’t friends in the first place…