Last night I couldn’t sleep. Not unusual but I was at the point that I almost got up and started writing about it. It was weird, as if life was going to change? But nothing had… I couldn’t shake the feeling as if something was going to happen and I couldn’t stop it. My mom calls my son today and tells him that she woke up at 1am and started praying for him, about him. That she is worried about him, asking if everything with him is ok? I have not called my mom yet to talk with her. I guess I wanted sometime to get my own feelings out because I have had such a weird feeling lately and I just can’t pin point it. Maybe its the fact that I am 16 years in on raising my son and he keeps pointing out only two years to go. He needs to stop. Even when he is 18, even when he goes to College, even when he moves out or gets married and has babies of his own he will always be MY baby!! I have strong faith that everything will be ok. It was just an unusual feeling.
You would think I would have learned by now…
Wednesday, Thursday I rush, clean my house, get all my work done (use all my spoons) so Friday I can relax.
Saturday, Sunday expecting to enjoy the weekend
What happens every time?
The Friday Migraine…
Sick all day, all night!
Wake up Saturday late feeling hung over from meds feeling like I cant and wont do anything!
What a waist of multiple days of my life!
Oh, and while I slept my kids and husband trashed my clean house!!!
I have written a half dozen thoughts and then erased them. Everything coming out of my head is negative and angry.. I am so annoyed. I just want a few minutes of quiet today. Not outside but in my head! No pain, no pressure, No stupid Migraine!! Just quiet and calm and pain free.. Part of the problem is I haven’t slept in weeks! Few hours but not what I need. grr… stupid head.
I’m in bed where most people sleep. Most people find comfort or security. Instead I’m wide awake, I toss and I turn wondering why cant I just fall asleep one time! As I look up at my ceiling I get a bit more jealous of everyone in my house. Not that I want them to be in pain, not that I want them to be awake all night. I just want what they have. My sleeping angels all tucked in snug and asleep.. My husband sawing logs in his sleep louder than a chainsaw. Or even the animals content to sleep rolled up at the end of the bed. Instead I get to watch them, listen to them..
Anyone with chronic pain knows what I’m talking about when I describe how it feels to lay in bed but you just can’t sleep. You want to.. Everything in you is telling you to go to sleep. My body gave up on me around noon today but my mind won’t shut off and my body aches. If I had the choice I would be asleep at 8pm but its going to be midnight again and no sleep. Soon the kids will be waking up for school. I will be drained, no energy, feeling like a failure. The cycle continues…