Maybe I am going a bit crazy or the fact that I am sick and I am tired of being sick. I already have chronic pain and then to have this three week “cold” on top of it has pushed me over the edge. My Dr. today tested me for whooping cough of all things. I just about died… Of course I am allergic to the DPT vaccine so when he tells me it looks like and sounds like I have it and need to be tested for it I scrunch into a ball and say NOOOOOOOOO!
Next came the horrible test where he tries to stick 6 inch Q-tips down my nose. I have to laugh at this because he tried and I swatted his hand away. So we tried again with this time getting in only a little further. He looked at me like I was a bit crazy and said we needed to do a bit better. So we tried again. Well, after about a half dozen times trying we were done. With one side!
I don’t understand what was wrong with me today? I have been poked and prodded for years because of my brain disorder but today the thought of something going up my nose was not going to happen. I should have been stronger and told my brain that I needed to do what ever I had to, to stop coughing. To stop being sick…
I have never been one to look at others and judge. You know the type who live their life feeling as if they are above everyone else. I have however never understood anyone wanting to walk away from their family. Just up and walk away. You read stories where they look happy, normal family, picket fence type and one day she just gets in her car and drives off into the sunset never to come back. Husband wondering why? Kids wondering what they did wrong? I have never thought much about any of this. Up until about a month ago and then it increasingly gets worse. My husband and my children, they need me… right???
Lately I have felt so alone. Maybe it is because they are older now and they don’t need me as much as they used to. Not only that but they push me away, say harsh things that I would have never said to my mother. But I also was raised by a single mother who we respected more than anything in this world. My children must not respect me anymore. Is that it, they don’t respect me?
I have resorted to locking myself in my room or leaving for a few hours because I just do not know what to do. I am tired of feeling alone when I am surrounded by people. I am tired of being told that I am hated by the people that are supposed to love me the most. I am tired of living this life, this ONE life that God gave me to live… like this.
Something has to change.
Stress of today, stress of tomorrow and stress of yesterday.
I am overcome with it! The feeling of my shoulders up at my ears.
I remind myself, relax as I feel them lower back down.
Head pounding, mind racing, eye twitching.
Needing more time in the day,
yet wanting the day to just be over already.
Does it make you feel better to put me down? You pretend to support me and tell me you want me to get out in the world and try new things but when it comes down to it all you do is belittle me, make me feel stupid. You mock me! Why? I have finally come up with a new way to get out of my box. Instead of watching others live I want to live. Does it scare you? When I decide I wanted to start this new journey in my life I promised myself I would not allow anything or anyone to get in my way. You will not get in my way. Get onboard and enjoy the ride or jump off and watch from a far. Either way you will not effect the way I feel about myself. Or stop me from trying new things in life. Life is to short!
So thats a joke… Life has never been simple. Life has never been easy. If it was I guess it wouldn’t be worth living, right? Some days I wish were easier, some days it would be nice to have nothing going on but I do not get to choose what happens in my day. So much has happened in my life that I have to hold inside. Someday I will burst… I may not be able to control my past, present or future but what I can do is control how I deal with it! How I look at life and the situations I am in can be dealt with in either a positive manner or I can just be grumpy about everything. Its easier said then done sometimes but I would rather talk about it, get my feelings out and try to be positive rather than holding it all in and just be negative all the time. All I see when I look around me is anger, frustration, and sadness. How did we get to this point? How do we get back to where we were? Faith, Hope, and Love…
I may not like what you have to say. You may not like what I have to say but that is the beauty of being FREE!! Say what you want! What I won’t do is spread lies and talk poorly of others. Not only does that make you look like a shitty person when you act like that, why would you take time out of your life to make people feel bad about themselves? Spend time bringing people up in life! Make it a goal to do something positive even if it reaching out to one person a day to say something nice! I guarantee people will start taking the time out of their life to reach out to you! If enough of us do it emagine what could happen?
I have know that I am not alone but in away when you have a “crazy” person in your life you feel alone. Others do not understand that this person could really do the things I tell them, you seem so unreal. Why? Why is it so hard to believe. I will tell you. Because you and I do not think like this “crazy” person. Our mind is not built like this “crazy” person. We would never hurt people, we would never plot or make plans to destroy “crazy” person or anyone for that matter even if we didn’t like the person. We spend our days living!! We spend our days with loved ones, our husbands, children, family, FRIENDS! People we care about, relationships we want to build and nourish. “Crazy” person spends the day filled in a hole of sadness trying to figure out how to bring everyone one else down. Coming up with ideas of how to hurt the people in and out of their life. Coming up with lies to cover up the other lies they have already told. You think that we are angry with you? You think that we are out to get you? I know this might be hard to hear but we feel sorry for you. The only feeling I have for you is pity. The only action I want is for you to be out of my life forever. Deep down you should even know better, you were once my friend. I would never do anything to harm you, your property, your family. I don’t have that in me. I think that is something you see as a weakness. The christianity in me, the forgiveness, the fact that I can move on where you sit and stew over everything and not only that, you also feel that everything that is done in life has been done TO you. Every person in your life has hurt you.
WAKE UP!!!!! This is getting old.. You playing the victim. People are starting to see the truth and the more people that see it, believe it and realize all the lies you have said about them how is that going to work out for you?
Why would you want to live your life a victim anyways?? It doesn’t make sense? How does that make you look as a women, a mother? I’ll tell you, pathetic. All you have done is alienate every single person that has come into your life. Your friendships and I might say even some family members are like a revolving door. They come in, smell your shit and walk right out.
My hope for you. Stop being a victim. Take r.e.s.p.o.n.s.i.b.i.l.i.t.y for the decisions you make in life. and yes I spelled it out for you because I am not sure you have ever heard the word before.
The purpose of this blog was something completely different and I went on a sideways rant.. What I was going to talk about, I met somebody Just like me. She has gone through the same things I have. She knows what I am talking about and it all makes sense to her. Its shocking how our stories are all the same and even the lies “crazy” has made up all sound alike. Its shocking to me how people believe the shit that is said.. But if people are going to believe lies good for them. I can not control others and I am not interested in trying. I am happy living my life to the fullest! Each day better than the last. Nobody can take away my happiness. You may have all the money but what is that going to do when we are all dead and gone? Nothing! You cant take it with you. Do you think anyone is going to cry when you are gone? Not really. It is about the relationships you make now, family, friends, the connections we have now until the end! Money wont make you happy but good luck trying.
Usually I take a hold of life. I run with it even if I am unable to do much with my day it is still my day. This week, I sit back and look at and it took over me. It is as if everything all the appointments and people around me just took over and had control of what I did and where I had to be. Its kind of frustrating because it almost feels like days I lost or at least parts of days. I know some people will look at that and think that is a bit selfish. At least I had those days, I am alive to live them but being sick most of my days it is hard to have so much time taken away and spent on so many things that I have little to no control on. So frustrating I had no time to even sit down and write or even read one blog this week… Even now I am in the middle of dinner the dog needs to go out I need to get laundry started the kids need to finish homework I need to take my meds before it gets late my cat is bugging me because he is hungry and I am taking the time to sit for 5 minutes to write!!!! I decided I get 5 minutes to myself!
Im not sure if it is my tremors starting something new and I do not want to tell my doctors but under my left eye has started fluttering for almost two weeks now. I think its stress. Lots of stress.. All I need to do is get back to a few minutes a day for myself and it will go away. Some things can not be controlled in life like the flutter under my eye but I can control a few minutes a day for myself. If I don’t how can I be good enough for everyone else around me???
So with the New Year comes New problems. Looks like we may not have insurance in a month… I haven’t been without insurance my entire adult life. So I am investigating where to buy good insurance. But Anyone who has health conditions knows how complicating that can be. Not only is it expensive the chances of me being able to continue seeing my Doctors anymore is slim to none. This sucks! Who ever is meddling in my life right now needs to stop before I blow up! At least I was able to make appointments with everyone I needed to this next week so I could button everything up! But man, I am telling you that this is stressful and the migraines that add to this stress are insane. I have always been so grateful for what I have but when you are faced with the true reality of losing your life style or losing the way you care for your self and your children its heart wrenching… Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and this was all just a bad dream.
I grew up with nothing but family and love
Now I have all the comforts of living
But pain and suffering daily
What I would pay
For a pain free day
Even just one day free from all of my pain…